Before And After Marriage
婚后一年领悟的事
婆媳关系：
婚前：我一定要做个好人，孝顺我和他的爹妈
婚后：孝不孝顺不是我做什么能改变的，是爸妈觉得你孝顺你什么都不用做也孝顺，觉得你不孝顺做啥也没用
婚前：只要乖巧孝顺就能讨好公婆，就能皆大欢喜，相安无事
婚后：乖巧有时候会事得其反，因为人性就是马瘦就更要骑。保持距离叫防身。否则单纯和软弱让人看出来，就是在自己头上写了“请欺负我”这四个字。
婚前：人心换人心，对人家好，人家会回报你;
婚后：人心换不回狗心的。
婚前：都说婆媳关系难处，我想，我八面玲珑的，应该能处好。
婚后：婆媳关系太TM难处了。
婚前：可以做婆婆的女儿
婚后：婆婆永远是婆婆,妈妈永远是妈妈。
经济：
婚前：钱算什么，爱是第一位的。
婚后：什么是爱?给你钱就是爱，不给钱就不是。
婚前：爱情第一，态度决定一切。
婚后：金钱第一，责任感决定一切。
婚前：我的钱、老公的钱都是俩人的钱
婚后：我的钱是我的钱，老公的钱是老公的钱，家里的钱是家里的钱
婚前：老公是可以依赖的
婚后：经济基础决定婚姻地位
婚前：钱不是万能的
婚后：没有钱是万万不能的
婚前：月光族
婚后：计划经济
婚前：为我花钱不皱一下眉头
婚后：开始劝我少在淘宝里购物
婚前：老公家穷和我无关，没钱我们可以慢慢挣。
婚后：挣钱真tm难，最难的是不仅指望不了婆家，婆家还指望着我们养着。一开始就找个有钱人家就好了。
婚前：结婚后就两个人到处去玩去旅游。
婚后：婚后旅游个屁，攒钱买房生孩子是正经
孩子：
婚前：有了孩子只要让他健康快乐的成长就可以了，不要给孩子太大的负担
婚后：早起的鸟儿有虫吃，孩子只是玩是不够的。
婚前：虽然我不喜欢小孩不过生了后会自动有母爱的
婚后：为什么一直哭啊?受不了了`~有谁帮我带到会读幼稚园了再还给我吧
婚前：养孩子难。
婚后：养孩子怎么那么难。
婚前：年青时要多学习，拼事业;
婚后：要是早点生孩子就好了。
婚前：好想有一群小孩子哦
婚后：生孩子?一想就头大
夫妻关系：
婚前：我希望有自己的老公小孩，我要对他们很好。
婚后：小孩是自己的，老公嘛，说不是就不是。所以小孩要好好对，老公一搞不好就是白眼狼。
婚前：躺在一起时喜欢盖同一个被子
婚后：还是自己盖自己的被子睡得比较好
婚前：21世纪什么最贵，和谐!所以两个人要相敬如宾，互谅互让。
婚后：不是东风压倒西风，就是西风压倒东风。
婚前：两个成年人之间最重要的是理智沟通
婚后：沟通是纸上谈兵,忍受得了就忍,忍不了就散
婚前：可以慢慢改造老公的坏习惯
婚后：永远不要试图改造他,结果只会变本加厉
婚前：老公是最疼我最呵护我的
婚后：同上，主语变成老婆
婚前：老公真好，我只要生气他都让着我。
婚后：他怎么还不妥协，过来给我道歉?
婚前：他工作忙，我多洗几次碗也没什么，只要他待我好。
婚后：怎么TM每次都是我洗碗???
婚前：冬天睡觉不怕冷，夏天热了有人扇风，饿了有人煮饭给我食，不管下班多晚都有人来接
婚后：一床电热毯+一个空调+外卖+打的=解决所有问题
婚前：结了婚总有个肩膀可以依靠,有个伙伴可以和你面对一切.
婚后：依靠?被依靠还差不多..一直怀疑他结婚到底是为了讨老婆还是讨老妈…
婚前：爱爱爱
婚后：钱钱前
婚前：努力表现的贤惠，做个好媳妇
婚后：千万别在婚前号称啥都会，不然以后都是你的活，推都推不掉
婚前：要找一个孝顺他妈妈的老公，一个孝顺的孩子对老婆肯定也很好的。
婚后：!人家对老妈好，对老婆可不一定好!愚孝或有恋母的男人要不得!
婚前：跟他性格不和，有可能会离婚
婚后：凑合过吧
婚前：爱情的力量是无穷的，婚姻没有爱情是行不通的。
婚后：爱情对于婚姻是渺小的，责任感才是婚姻坚固的保证。
婚前：只要有他，吃苦也是甜!
婚后：我TM太天真了!!
自我成长：
婚前：为了谈恋爱减肥!瘦身!
婚后：为了长寿，不能无故乱减肥，要注重保养。
婚前：我一定要好好收拾，改掉乱丢乱放的毛病
婚后：有什么办法能把杂物藏起来不那么显眼?
婚前：想学最难最复杂最华丽的菜怎么做!
婚后：怎么才能最简单最快地作出好吃的一餐?
婚前：不认为家庭背景影响感情
婚后：深刻体会到婚姻应该木门对木门，竹们对竹们
婚前：以为结婚是两个人之间的事，
婚后：才发现这是两个家庭，不，应该是两个家族之间的事
婚前：妈妈有些势力,什么都看条件
婚后：妈妈不让我嫁给这个人是多么的明智啊，有卖后悔药的没?
婚前，好好爱他。
婚后，好好爱自己。
婚前：我想结婚!
婚后：我想一个人过!
婚前：过不好，离!
婚后：过不好，怎么才能离?
婚前: 婆婆是寡母没关系,她辛苦养大了儿子多不容易,一定要好好孝敬她.
婚后: 家里七大姑八大姨说的是真理,不能嫁啊不能嫁..
婚前：他会永远爱我的。
婚后：爱情是狗屁，要出轨一样出轨，再好的男人也靠不住，还是靠自己最保险。
婚前：友情饮水饱
婚后：爱情和婚姻真TM是2回事
婚前：他爸妈不懂道理，管他呢，又不是跟他们过日子!
婚后：我女儿找对象的时候我一定得看看他家爹妈啥素质!!
婚前：要做个聪明的女人
婚后：原来傻女人才会幸福，就算是不傻也要装
-fin-
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Common Marriage Mistakes
Common Marriage Mistakes
简介
婚姻之花娇嫩，需要用心呵护。懂得哪些事可做、哪些事不可做；懂得出现问题如何去解决，才能使爱情之花永远绽放。
把深陷泥沼的婚姻转移到互相信任的安全地带
by Dr. Michael Tobin
爱这种情感十分微妙。它会从指责、愤怒和讽刺的氛围撒腿开溜，却会在尊重、接受和坦诚的环境下茁壮成长。下列10条婚姻戒律 --- 如果得到自觉、认真的遵守 --- 将把深陷泥沼的婚姻转移到互相信任的安全地带。
为什么要开一张婚姻禁忌的清单，而不是一串婚姻"必做"的积极建议呢？下面这个《塔木德经》的故事将回答这个问题：
一个没有信仰的人遇见伟大哲人、长者希勒尔，要求他用一只脚站立的时间教授他整本《托拉》。希勒尔同意了，并说："己所不欲勿施于人。除此之外的内容都在注释里，现在去学吧。"许多评论家想知道，为什么他从反面回答，而不是引用著名的圣经箴言"爱邻如爱己。"呢？
我的理解相当简单。谁都明白什么会伤害我们；谁都体验过一句吹毛求疵的话或一个轻蔑鄙视的眼神带来的痛苦有多深；谁都见到过一段负面评论如何伤害，甚至摧毁一段因缘。我们还知道，消极行为的弊远远大于利，无论是我们对别人还是别人对我们。
因此，改善关系的第一步，是杜绝污染婚姻环境的消极行为。在有毒废料场栽种玫瑰是于事无补的。我们必须首先清除毒物，然后才能美化环境。我们越注意防范可能伤害伴侣的微妙细节，就越能使我们的爱情之花绽放。
当您读完10项禁忌时，希望您做后面的练习。婚姻的挑战要求我们对3P作出承诺practice, persistence and patience（实践、毅力和耐心）。只要你照着去做，就会尝到甜头。即使其中一方为求变而不懈努力，其结果仍会相当显著。
婚姻可能是最有效也最具挑战性的塑造性格的过程。我们遇到的许多合作者让我们有机会实践自控、和善和尊重。例如，在某个特定时刻，您可能会面临选择：是勃然大怒，还是通过沟通释放胸中的怨气。在另一种场合，选择可能出现在以下两者之间：是不把她（他）放在眼里，还是心存感激。
在这十条中，不准把伴侣视作理所当然是最独特的。实践它的唯一方法是摆出积极姿态，即学会感激。你要么是不把配偶放在眼里的人，要么是看得到配偶善意的人，不可能两者兼有。这也是克服克服自私的最佳办法。为了表明你确实有感激的愿望，你必须祛除三种消极态度 --- 盛气凌人、期望值过高和装聋作哑。
盛气凌人是指，你为我付出的一切都是应该的，我干吗要感激你。这种态度就是，我的需要第一，你必须迎合我。与盛气凌人密切相关的还有，如果我有期待，你就有义务来满足。怀着居高临下的期望值，我们就会把伴侣当作自己的延伸体，就象婴儿与母乳的关系 --- 他一哭闹，就期待立即有人来喂食。装聋作哑就是忽视或忘记显而易见的东西。我们时常对伴侣向我们释放的大大小小的善举视而不见。我怀疑正是盛气凌人的高期望值导致了装聋作哑。
如果你想知道自己是否没把伴侣当回事，我建议你先问问自己以下的问题：你对伴侣是否象对普通熟人或同事那样礼貌、和蔼、周到？对大多数人，答案是否定的。所以，再问自己一个问题：如果你的伴侣待你不客气、无视你的好意也不体谅你的需求，你有何感想？在回答之前，请想一想长者希勒尔的话"己所不欲勿施于人"。
练习
记录下伴侣为你所做的一切，无论大小，从早晨为你冲的那杯咖啡，到他（她）持家理财的高招。
问问自己，"在伴侣为你所做的那些事当中，你是否表示出感激并以何种方式表达的？"最有可能的是，你会发现，对于那么多的善意，你大概从未流露过感激之情。
尝试向自己承诺，花一周时间表达你的感激并关注发生的变化。你甚至可以写信给伴侣，说声谢谢。
不要自以为你知道伴侣的想法和感受，很可能你是错的。没有根据的假设会造成不必要的冲突。
想象一下这种情景。你走进客厅，丈夫正坐在他最喜欢的椅子上，两眼瞪着墙。他双唇紧闭，牙关紧咬。你瞬间的反应：恐惧！"我做错什么了？他为什么如此生我的气？"你试着接近他，"怎么了，大卫？"你问道，预料他会把气撒到你头上。大卫慢慢地转过身。紧张、愤怒的神情开始融化，他伤心地说："我失业了。""谢天谢地，"你几乎脱口而出，"他不是在生我的气。"
真相大白了，该女士才发现丈夫不是在生她的气。然而，有多少次我们胡思乱想，并始终信以为真，却不去探明真相？
在医治婚姻危机的过程中常常出现这种情景：捕风捉影的结果往往是查无实据，或者只有部分属实。例如，愤怒、挑剔的丈夫被认为憎恨他的妻子，可能实际上他是怀疑妻子不爱他而缺少安全感。冷淡、有排斥心理的妻子原来是一个非常悲伤的女人，因为失去母亲而肝肠寸断。因此不要胡乱猜测。去核实。
练习
找一张纸，不多加思索地完成以下句子："我觉得我的伴侣认为我… …。"
写完之后，去核实你的猜测。
我猜想，你会发现你的许多猜测是无中生有。不过，也可能你的伴侣承认部分正确。这或许令人不快，但与现实打交道总比捕风捉影让人踏实。至少现在你能解决这个棘手问题了。
"这是你的错。是你让我这样做的。因为你，我们的关系才那么僵。你让我感觉糟透了。"说这种话多容易。"造成这场僵局，我错在哪里？"看着自己这样问却是那么的难。
指责就是剥夺对方权利。在本质上，责备对方，就是在诉说对方控制了自己的感情和行为。双方的关系变成了巴甫洛夫和他的狗 --- 铃声一响，狗就流口水。妻子忘记打招呼，我就发飙。
在指责对方时，我们剥夺了对方认真考虑我们言论并作出周到反应的机会。我们不是在表达自己正当的不满情绪，而是在指责、威胁对方，必然招致类似的反击。其结果要么小冲突不断，要么全面战争爆发。于是我们在痛苦中明白，在爱情和战争中，一切都是公平的，没有赢家，婚姻也不例外。
那么，避免相互指责的解药是什么？答案很简单：承担自己的那份责任。然而，要付诸行动确是一种挑战。放弃自以为是的感觉很难，放弃逼迫对方认错也很难。让我告诉你婚姻的真谛："一贯正确"是婚姻关系中的末等奖。你赢了，但婚姻输了。如果你要让婚姻取胜，试着用心寻找：引起冲突，你的那份责任。扪心自问，"我是不是在制造隔阂和伤害？"
练习
把你指责对方的方式全部列出来。例如："都是因为你家里才乱七八糟"或者"莎拉混在坏人堆里，是因为你从来不花时间陪她"。
深刻反省并记下自己该负的责任。
寻求解决每种情况的办法。在后面的例子中，她可以考虑这样对她的丈夫说，"莎拉混在坏人堆里我很担心。我想谈谈我们能采取些什么措施。"她可能会惊喜地发现，受到尊重的丈夫马上认识到，他该花更多时间陪女儿。
想想你会作何感想，如果你的伴侣告诉你，"现在我明白为什么你如此挑剔。你就像你老爸。我敢肯定，他对你的挑剔超过你对我。"你会不会把这种对你行为的所谓的分析，看作是有益的，能帮你促进自我认识和个人发展？
我想，答案是不言自明的。这些话似乎很有见地，但事实上，这些关切是裹着客观外衣的怨言。你可能相信，你了解对方最深刻的动机和行为上最微妙细小的差别。你可能认为，在解读对方行为时，你客观而有帮助。但我可以告诉你，深陷婚姻关系中的人没有谁能保持专业性的距离。我们的解读，更多的出于自我利益和改变对方的欲望。
也许，你同我一样。我不希望妻子解读我的思想和感受。我希望她倾听并听懂我的意思。我希望她交流时作为一个朋友，一个关心我的人。我希望她，通过回想我的倾诉、辨别我的感受，帮助我了解自己。
因此，为避免解读，让我开出两剂解药：首先，提防你的怨言，别让它在你分析对方行为之时乘机流露。其次，以开放、关爱的心态倾听。
练习
下一次你的伴侣同你交谈，一定要格外用心去明白她的意思。用积极的非语言的方式表明你在倾听。为此，您可以保持眼神接触，或握着伴侣的手或温柔地拥抱她。
时不时地发表些支持性言论，表明你理解对方的感受。可能的例子是，"我明白你为何生老板的气。如果我是你，肯定也会暴跳如雷的。"
我们常常不敢对伴侣说"不"。或许，你是怕她会生气。或许，如果你说"对不起，我不是故意的，"他会失望而你会开始内疚。所以，不主张自己的观点，不说出真实意图，我们最终会适得其反，心怀怨言。言不由衷是我们的关系出了故障，因为没有真诚就没有柔情蜜意。
为对方着想而付出并不意味着你必须牺牲自己的感情、需求去迎合伴侣。如果一味的迎合，你很可能觉得反感或产生了隔阂。向伴侣表达你的真实情感和愿望，让他把你当作真正的你，而不是你以为他想要的那个虚构的你。我之前引用过的圣人希勒尔说过与此相关的箴言："我不为己，谁人为我？若仅为己，我为何物？若非此时，更待何时？"
也许，当你想说"不"的时候，就说"不"；想说"是"的时候，就说"是"，你的伴侣或许会觉得更安全，因为对方知道可以相信你所说的话。然而，更可能的是，你刚刚改变的举动会让对方感到威胁。你必须记住他还没习惯你的诚实。当她了解到你以前所有的"是"不少是言不由衷的，她会痛苦和惊讶。
重要的是要明白，任何时候你改变婚姻规则，必然会有冲突。这没关系。冲突往往是婚姻关系发展的必须。通过冲突，彼此会加深了解，建立更牢固的纽带。
如果你与配偶关系已经牢固，那么你对诚实的担当只会加深这种关系。如果还不牢固，建议你小心从事。在你敞开心扉之前，斟酌一下对方可能的反应。有些夫妇可能需要专业指导，帮助他们把惟对方是从过渡到彼此坦诚的关系。通往开诚布公更深境界之路往往是不平坦的，然而，你一旦达到，一切付出都是值得的。
练习
把下边的话写在纸上："我担心告诉对方… …
列出清单，把最容易吐露的真相排在第一，次容易的第二，依次类推。
想象自己走过去告诉他（或）她真相。注意体会行动时的感受。让呼吸平静下来，轻轻告戒自己放松心情。当你在意念中做到之后，试着付诸行动。从清单上最容易那件做起。
简介
有一首歌唱道："我能想到最浪漫的事/就是和你一起慢慢变老/直到我们老得哪儿也去不了/你还依然把我当成手心里的宝"。学会化解婚姻矛盾，把彼此的关系摆在首位并承诺，用一生来浇灌爱情和幸福，美满婚姻就在你手中。
把深陷泥沼的婚姻转移到互相信任的安全地带
by Dr. Michael Tobin
沉默是一种情感放逐。我们通过彼此封闭、拒绝承认对方的存在而互相惩罚。愤怒的沉默传达的信息是我的合伙人有罪，如果她希望进一步与我沟通，那么她将不得不道歉，并请求我的原谅。它是一种功能强大的操控方式，但在婚姻中不应该有一席之地。
因此，为有效解决冲突，你需要学会用可以被聆听、被接受和被解决的方式表达不满。这种技巧在婚姻中极其重要，如果没有，小问题会酿成大灾难。
那么，如何学会把难以启齿的话说出口？如何向情绪对抗的伴侣倾诉？没有简单的答案。正如前面"不要言不由衷"所告戒的，学会如何解决婚姻难题，你可以寻找专业帮助。不过，在拿主意前，请做下面的练习来发泄怨气。
练习
众所周知，愤怒的力量很大，能毁掉婚姻。因此，学会控制消极情绪对创造美满婚姻至关重要。第一步是控制怨气，而不是让怨气控制你，弄清自己怨什么，并且把怨气达到毒害程度前释放出来。一旦你越过了这些障碍，进入良性互动，你就朝创造美满婚姻迈出了一大步。
耍脾气是用过行为间接地表达情绪。例如，小女孩可能用赖学、乱用药物或酗酒的方式，发泄对父母的怨气。她害怕流露真情实感，所以做出引人瞩目的举动，提醒或激怒父母。耍脾气，是一种极端的挑衅行为，对于建立完善的关系，显得既无知又尴尬。
婚姻中常见的耍脾气方式有：把房间弄得一团糟、威胁要离婚、身心自虐、沮丧消沉、胡乱花钱甚至企图自杀。总之，诠释"我太生你气了"的方式，五花八门，不一而足。
最常见的耍脾气是消极对抗。典型的例子是不履行诺言、把对方的衣服人扔得满屋子都是、不负责任的乱花钱、袖手旁观以及对婚姻关系满不在乎。
那么，破解之道是什么？不出意外的话，就是直接对话 --- 学会如何向对方说出自己心里的感受。耍脾气掩盖了实质问题，同时把焦点转移到了该行为本身。
请做以下练习，锻炼你的直接沟通能力。
练习
贬低是指用语言降低对方的自我价值。贬低的言论有："你这人太懒。""你不负责任，不可信赖。""你是个不称职的父亲和糟糕的丈夫。"我们在界定伴侣缺点时，如此有创意，太令人惊奇了。我们每个人都可能编织一份详细清单，例举对方种种坏习惯、种种令人无法接受的性格特征和古怪行为。在气头上，利用这些细节的强大冲动无与伦比。
千万要克制。否则的话，对方肯定会有所反应，不是反击就是否认。这种反应既不解决问题，也不创造亲密。
不要说以‘你’开头的气话，试试从‘我’说起。譬如："当… …时，我不满意。""我看不惯，当你做… …。"而不是这样："你是个白痴！""你真苯！""你老把事情弄得一团糟！""你就像你妈。你们俩都是杂乱无章的低能。"这种言论根本不可能改变对方的行为。
假如你这样说，或许能凑效："我说，格雷克，屋子脏兮兮的，让我看不下去。我知道你没闲着，也管不过来。不过，要是你能打扫一下，我会很感激的。"现在，我不敢肯定他不会辩解，但是我敢断定，比起你批评他懒散，他的反应会更温和。
练习
婚姻关系遭受重创的可能性是巨大的。即使是最恩爱的关系也可以演变成势不两立如仇敌之间的恶斗。在充满风险的婚姻游戏中，没有什么比风平浪静更甜蜜，重要的是要双赢。辱骂和人身威胁是破坏婚姻的利剑。
对于深陷争执的情侣，唯一的忠告是：寻求专业帮助，或者，假如受到人身攻击，立刻寻求保护。幸亏，我们大多数人不是那种残酷、毁灭性战役中的角斗士。而且我估计，每一个都渴望学会如何建立安宁恩爱的婚姻关系。如果是这样，让我斗胆发出严厉警告：永远不要威胁对方，包括吓唬、恐吓、辱骂，更不能拳脚相加。
无论你气有多大，必须向自己做出如下保证：无论何时何地，决不向伴侣发出口头或人身威胁。如果你尚不清楚威胁是什么东西，让我给你界定。它是会造成你伴侣身心俱痛的口头陈述、姿势表情和行为动作。其实，发出威胁的一方也觉得受到另一方极大的伤害。此时他（她）所能想到摆脱痛苦的唯一出路，就是让对方像也自己一样痛苦不堪。如果觉得化干戈为玉帛比让对方听到威胁更重要，你就已经从灾难性危机中跨出了出来，尽管是一小步。
假如我来问问那些闹得不可开交的夫妇，是否真想伤害对方，他们中大多数一定会这样回答："完全不是。只是当她不听我时，我才变得非常沮丧，失去了理智。"或者："我恨我们之间所发生的一切。但是我费了九牛二虎之力想让他明白我的意思，他根本不愿听。结果，我想做的就是伤害他了。"有些夫妇为了摆脱痛苦和挫折，诉诸情感和肢体暴力，以为这是自我保护的唯一方式。
练习
假如发现自己在生对方的气，请做下面的消气练习。不过，练习之前，给你提个醒。或许你们双方都有必要寻求专业帮助以消除积怨。此外，若遭遇人身攻击，唯一的办法就是立即寻求救助和保护。
某些方面，对峙中双方的本能反应很像两个准备交战的国家，会寻找联盟，以巩固各自的阵地。然而，所不同的是，冲突中的夫妇寻找联盟常常是在无意识下进行的。
在冲突中，往往是感到最不舒坦的那一方最终退却，去寻找能支持他（她）的同盟。用婚姻心理学术语，这被称作‘第三方’。譬如，割断与丈夫情感联络的妻子倍感孤独，会增加同孩子的交流，以降低内心的痛苦。孩子对家长的遭遇极其敏感，也许会成为某一方的"情感保姆"。而扮演这种角色的孩子常有被撕裂的感觉，并在某种程度上因不得不袒护某一方感到怨恨。
然而，孩子的行为也时常在不知不觉地稳固父母间的关系。他们仿佛是超级雷达，能捕捉到父母婚姻中的痛苦。他们会作出反应，如滥用药物和学习成绩下降，目的是让父母分散对婚姻矛盾的注意力。可以说，为了转移父母眼前的痛苦，孩子们的创意举动层出不穷。
只要有第三方的存在，夫妻双方就不可能直面消除问题的根源。第三方也是一个障碍，会阻挡夫妻间真正亲密与恩爱的恢复。然而，要让第三方退出绝非轻而易举。
互相信任与亲密无间是根治第三方卷入的良方。问题是：被争执、排斥和猜疑死死缠绕的夫妇如何才能转危为安？如果没有互相信任作基础，怎么去发展互信关系呢？建议你采取以下步骤，朝着那个方向努力。
练习
婚姻中十件忌讳事相互间有一致和内在的联系。处理婚姻矛盾，有具体的原则和技巧，而且，每个人都有能力学会他们。只要双方把彼此的关系摆在首位，只要双方愿意承诺，用一生的时间来培育爱情和幸福，美满婚姻就在你手中。
简介
婚姻几乎是每个人都要经历的阶段，虽说幸福的人都是一样的幸福，但是在婚姻里总会多多少少出现一些问题，那么，你找到答案了吗
我关于"幸福"课题里所包括的12个主题中，有一个就是婚姻。对我来说，和很多人一样，婚姻是生活和幸福中最重要的部分。当我开始这个课题时，我也找出了我想要做出的变化--就像为保持这些变化而做出的决定--我发现在我的婚姻中，有5个特别的误区。
下面，和我想出的办法一起，我尝试着去解决他们。
1. 我过于期待赞赏。你想象不到我是多么期望得到别人的赞赏和认可！我一直追求能把家务做到完美。但我的丈夫却不那么在意，这让我不爽和生气。我想出了一个好点子。我过去就告诉自己我所做的一切都是为了他。--"他看到我把书整理好该有多开心啊"，"他知道我终于找到宿营的打包箱该有多高兴啊"等等这些。--但是他并不领情，我立刻就疯了。现在我告诉自己我做这些事情，是因为我想做。"喔，看着碗柜多棒"，"看我多有调理，提前就把日用品都收拾好了"。因为我是为我自己做，他不必留意。这听起来有点以自我为中心，但是确实管用。
2. 总爱教训人。我是个火爆脾气，非常容易发火的人—但是我的丈夫非常不喜欢我对他大吼大嚷（真实惊奇）。我尝试了很多方法来控制我的脾气。我不让自己太饿或者太冷（我很容易就有这样的感觉）；我努力让家井井有条，因为只要乱了一点，我就抓狂了；当他为了要我消消气逗我笑，我就努力配合他笑笑；我尽量控制自己说话的声音，让他感觉我心情不错，而不是在急躁地指责他。不过，让我为难的是，还没有多大的进展。
3. 本性不改，我就生气。这点非常非常难。从我幸福课题中学到的一点就是，除了你自己，你谁也改变不了，然而我又特别喜欢起改变我丈夫的某些他根本不愿意改变的习惯。他不肯好好地回我的电邮。他总是做很多诱惑我的甜点，等等等等。现在我改了，遇到这些事我不像以前那样火冒三丈，转而努力去提醒我自己他其实也没那么多毛病。
4. 斤斤计较。我是个斤斤计较的人，老是算计着谁谁做了什么。"我打扫了厨房，你就该去整理储藏室"—这之类的事情。我发现了两个方法来解决这个麻烦。第一，我提醒自己当心下意识的要求过高现象。比如，在对比他人时，我们会无意识地高估自己的贡献，或者技术。这很容易理解，因为我们当然会觉得自己比别人做的多。根据Jonathan Haidt的‘幸福感假说’，"当夫妻双方估计自己和对方各做了多少家务时，他们总共估计的会超过百分之120."我抱怨给孩子找保姆花了很多时间，还付了很多账单，但是我忽视了修车，买食品也占用了我丈夫很多时间。
不难发现，要求过高会带来埋怨，还会觉得自己的负担越来越多。所以现在每当我有类似于"我是这唯一为什么什么事操心的人"，或者"为什么只有我想去怎么样怎么样"这些想法的时候，我提醒自己还有很多事我没有做。第二，牢记我精神导师，法国Lisieux的St. Therese说过的话"你爱他，就不要计较那么多。"这句箴言是我第11条个人戒律的基础：不要仅仅计较。
5. 把我的丈夫想当然了。因为很容易忽视我丈夫所做的一些小事（参见第4条），我很容易地久忘记了他的有点，取而代之的是抓住他的小毛病不撒手（参见第3条）。比如，我发现尽管平心静气地说话很难，我的丈夫就有这个超赞的性格，说话几乎从不刁难我。我努力记着，我爱他身上的那些有点，把让我心烦的琐事抛到脑后。说起来容易做起来难啊。多亲吻他几次，多拥抱他几回，多爱抚他一会，这些我下过决心要做的事，很有效得让我一直感受到爱的温暖，心存感激。
你的婚姻，或者长期的恋爱中有哪些误会呢？有没有找到解决的办法呢？
by Dr. Michael Tobin
Love is a very delicate feeling. It flees from an atmosphere filled with blame, anger and sarcasm and grows in an environment of respect, acceptance and honesty. The following 10 marital proscriptions -- if followed consciously and conscientiously-- will transform a relationship mired in negativity into one based on trust and safety.
Why a list of marital taboos rather than a positive "to do" list of marital suggestions? The following Talmudic story answer the question:
A non-believer confronted the great sage Hillel, the Elder, and demanded that he teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel agreed and said the following: "What's hateful to yourself don't do to another. Everything else is commentary. Now go and learn." Many commentators have wondered why he chose to answer in the negative rather than quoting the famous Biblical proscription "To love thy neighbor as thyself."
My understanding is quite simple. We understand what it is that hurts us; we've experienced how painful a critical statement or disdainful look can feel; we've seen how one negative comment can harm or even destroy a relationship and we know that the negative things that we do or that are done to us can far outweigh our or others' positive behaviors.
Therefore, the first step in improving a relationship is to eradicate the negative behaviors that continually pollute the marital environment. It doesn't help to plant rose bushes in a toxic waste field. First, we have to clean up the poison and then we can beautify the area. The more we sensitize ourselves to the subtle ways that we have hurt our partners, the more we enable our feelings of love to blossom.
As you read each of the following 10 Things, I encourage you to practice the exercises. The challenge of marriage demands a commitment to the three P's -- practice, persistence and patience. Just do it, and you'll begin to see the benefit. Even if only one of the partners in the relationship makes a concerted effort to change, the results will still be quite significant.
The injunction to stop taking your partner for granted is unique among the 10 Things. The only way to fulfill it is by performing a positive act, namely showing appreciation. You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground. It is also the best means for overcoming selfishness. In order to reach the point where you have a real desire to express appreciation you have to uproot three negative attitudes -- a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and conscious amnesia.
Entitlement is that sense that whatever you do for me I deserve, so why bother thanking you. It's the attitude that my needs come first and it's your job to meet them. Closely aligned with a sense of entitlement is the attitude that if I expect it, you're obligated to do it. With entitlement and expectations, we relate to our partners as if they are extensions of ourselves, not unlike a baby's relationship to his mother's breast. When he cries, he expects to be fed immediately. Conscious amnesia or mindlessness is the art of ignoring or forgetting the obvious. We become oblivious to those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. I suspect a sense of entitlement or expectation leads to a state of conscious amnesia.
If you wish to know if you're taking your partner for granted, then I suggest you ask yourself the following question: Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance or to a colleague? For most of us, the answer is no. So, ask yourself this question: How would you feel if your partner treated you impolitely, ignored your kindnesses and was inconsiderate of your needs? Before answering, remember the words of Hillel the Elder, "What's hateful to you, don't do to another."
Exercise
Record those things that your partner does for you -- both large and small. Try to include everything from the cup of coffee he makes for you in the morning to the efficient way that she manages the finances.
Ask yourself, "Among those things that your partner does for you, do you show appreciation and in what manner do you express it?" Most likely, you'll discover that for a good of portion of the kindnesses on the list you've probably never expressed your gratitude.
Try committing yourself to a week of expressing your appreciation and notice the change. You might even consider writing a letter of appreciation to your partner.
Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There's a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.
Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there's your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear! "What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach him, "What's the matter, David?" you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. David slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I've been laid off." "Thank God," you almost blurt out, "at least it wasn't me."
In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and discovered that her husband wasn't upset with her. Yet, how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they're true?
It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn't love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, grieving the loss of her mother. Don't assume. Check it out.
Exercise
Take a piece of paper and without thinking too much about it, complete the following sentence: "I assume that my partner thinks or feels.... about me."
After you compile your list, try checking out your assumptions.
I suspect that you'll discover that many of your assumptions are incorrect. However, it is possible that your partner will acknowledge the validity of some of your assumptions. This may be painful but it's far better to deal with reality than unverified assumptions. At least now, you have the possibility of resolving the issue.
How easy it is to say, "It's your fault. You made me do it. It's because of you that things are so bad between us. You're the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"
Blaming is a form of disempowerment. In essence, when I blame I am saying to my partner that she controls my feelings and behavior. My relationship to her is like that of Pavlov's dog -- the bell rings, the dog salivates. My wife forgets to say hello, and I blow up.
When we blame, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. Instead of expressing our legitimate grievances and feelings, we accuse and threaten, which only invites a similar response. The result is either a skirmish or an all out war, and, as we so painfully understand, all is fair in love and war and marriage is both.
So, what's the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice, however, is a challenge. It's hard to give up that feeling of being right. It's so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I'll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. If you want the relationship to win, try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"
Exercise
Write a list of all the ways you blame your spouse. For example, "It's because of you that the house is a mess" or "You're the reason Sara is running around with a bad crowd. It's because you never spend any time with her."
Take a good hard look at yourself and record what you're responsible for.
Look for solutions in each of these situations. In the last example, she might consider telling her husband, "I'm worried that Sara is running around with a bad crowd. I'd like to talk about what we can do about it." She might be pleasantly surprised to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband, on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time with his daughter.
Think about how you would feel if your partner were to tell you, "Now I understand why you're so critical. You're just like your father. I'm sure he was even more critical of you than you are of me." Would you experience this so-called analysis of your behavior as helpful, as contributing to your self-knowledge and personal development?
I think the answer is self-evident. The words might appear to contain insightful information, but, in fact, they are resentments cloaked in a garment of objective concern. You might believe you understand your partner's deepest motivations and the subtlest nuances of his behavior, and you might think you're being objective and helpful when you interpret his behavior, but I can tell you that nobody who is deeply involved in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often than not, our interpretations come from a place of self-interest and a desire to change our partners.
Perhaps, you're like me. I don't want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. I want her to help me to understand myself by reflecting back what I am saying and by identifying the feelings that I am expressing.
Therefore, in order to avoid interpreting, let me suggest the following two antidotes: First, be clear about your resentments and be careful not to express them covertly through an analysis of your partner's behavior. Second, listen in an open, loving manner.
Exercise
The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard at trying to understand her. Practice active listening by non-verbally indicating that you're hearing him. You can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your partner's hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual manner.
Periodically, respond with supportive statements that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might be, "I understand how angry you are at your boss. If I were you, I'd sure be furious."
We're often afraid to say no to our partners. Perhaps, you're scared that she'll become angry, or, maybe, if you were to say "I'm sorry, I just don't want to do that," he'd be disappointed and you'd start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying what we want, we end up doing the opposite and feeling resentful. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being real in the relationship. There's no intimacy in a relationship without honesty.
Becoming other-centered and giving does not mean that you have to sacrifice your feelings, wants and needs in order to satisfy your partner. If you do, you may very well feel resentful or distant. By expressing your true feelings and desires to your spouse, you enable him to relate to the real you rather than to some fictitious version of what you think he wants. The same Hillel, the Elder, whom I quoted earlier, said something very relevant and profound: "If I am not for me who am I? And, if I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, when?" It may be that when you start to say no when you mean no, you'll say yes when you mean yes and your spouse might feel safer knowing that he can trust what you're saying. More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at first be threatening to your partner. Remember he's not used to your honesty. She might be painfully surprised to learn that not all your yeses were indeed yeses.
It's important to know that any time you change the rules in a relationship there's bound to be conflict. That's okay. Conflict is often necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict, two people can create a deeper understanding of one another and develop a stronger bond.
If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship. If you don't, I recommend that you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest, try assessing what your partner's reaction will be. Some couples may need professional guidance to help them make the transition from a relationship based on wanting the other's approval to a relationship grounded in truth. The process of reaching a deeper level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it's well worth it.
Exercise
Write the following on a piece of paper: "I'm afraid to tell my partner...."
Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths to reveal, two the second easiest and so on.
Imagine approaching your partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell yourself to relax. When you're able to visualize speaking to your partner, then take the risk to do it in reality. Start with the easiest (1) and go down your list.
Published: Saturday, December 27, 2003
Silence is a deadly weapon. It's far better for a couple to engage in a non-violent, verbal fight where at least they can express what's bothering them than to resort to an icy silence where all they can do is imagine how many different ways they're angry with one other.
Silence is a form of emotional banishment. We punish our partners by cutting them off and refusing to acknowledge their existence. An angry silence communicates the message that my partner is the guilty party and if she wishes any further contact with me, then she will have to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. It is a powerful form of control and manipulation and has no place in a marriage.
Therefore, in order to resolve conflicts effectively, you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a marriage; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.
So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may be reactive? There are no simple answers and like with the previous injunction of "Don't Say Yes, When You Mean No," you may need to seek professional help to learn how to resolve your marital difficulties. However, before you make that decision try the following exercise to help you to express your anger.
Exercise
We all know that anger is a powerful emotion that can destroy a relationship. Thus, learning how to master your negative feelings is an essential skill for creating a wonderful relationship. The first step to controlling your anger, rather than having your anger control you, is to recognize your resentments and to express them before they reach a toxic level. When you give yourself permission to let go of these three obstacles to good communication, you will have made a giant leap toward creating a loving marriage.
Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. For example, a teenage girl might act out by failing in school or using drugs or alcohol as a way of expressing her anger towards her parents. She's afraid to express her true feelings so she resorts to attention-getting behaviors that alarm and infuriate her parents. Acting out behavior, as provocative as it can be, is really an unconscious and awkward attempt at establishing a relationship.
In marriage, couples act out by making messes, by withdrawing, by being emotionally and physically abusive, by becoming depressed, by being irresponsible with money and even by attempting suicide. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."
One of the most common forms of acting out behavior is by being passive aggressive. Some typical examples of passive aggressive behavior are promising to do something and then failing to do it, leaving your clothes strewn around the room, being irresponsible with money, playing helpless and being uninterested in marital relations.
So, what is the solution for acting out behavior? The answer, not surprisingly, is direct communication -- learning how to say to your partner what's really on your mind. Acting out behavior masks the real problem and instead focuses the couple on the behavior itself.
To practice your skill at direct communication, try the following exercise:
Exercise
A discount is a remark designed to reduce your partner's self worth. Some examples of discounting statements are: "You're so lazy." "You're irresponsible and untrustworthy." "You're a terrible father and an awful husband." It's amazing how creative we can be when it comes to identifying our partner's blemishes. Most likely, each one of us can compile a detailed list of our partners' bad habits, unacceptable character traits and generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument, the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful.
Try to resist. If not, you can be sure your partner will react in one of two ways: he or she will either respond in kind or deny. Neither reaction solves problems or creates intimacy.
Instead of making angry statements that begin with "You," try making "I" statements. Examples of "I" statements are: "I feel angry when..." "I resent it when you do such and such a thing..." Not "You are such an idiot! "You are such a slob!" "You always leave messes!" "You're just like your mother. Both of you are disorganized incompetents." Her behavior won't change because of that piece of feedback.
However, it might, if you were to say, "You know, Greg, it bothers me when the house is not clean. I know you're busy and I know it's hard for you but I would appreciate it if you could clean it up." Now, I'm not promising that he won't be defensive, but I do believe he'll be less reactive than if you were to criticize him for his sloppy behavior.
Exercise
The creative and destructive potentials of a marital relationship are enormous. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game, nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that counts is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.
The only advice you can give to a couple that is engaged in such a struggle is: Seek professional help or, in the case of physical abuse, find immediate protection. Fortunately, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I'm assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to offer a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses her.
No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I at any time make a verbal or physical threat toward my spouse. If it's not clear to you what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner. A partner who threatens is a partner who feels deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse. The only way she knows to relieve her suffering is by making her spouse feel as miserable as she. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you're one small step from a dangerous crisis.
If I were to ask most couples in an abusive relationship if they really want to hurt each other, they would invariably respond with the following answers: "No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn't hear me that I just lose it." Or, "I hate what's happening to us, but I've tried so hard to get him to understand me and he just refuses to listen. So, now all I want to do is hurt him." Out of pain and frustration, some couples resort to emotional and physical violence, believing it to be the only way they can protect themselves.
Exercise
If you find yourself filled with anger toward your spouse, then do the following rage reduction exercise. However, before proceeding I want to offer a word of caution. It may be necessary for you and your partner to receive professional help in order to learn how to manage your deep resentments. Additionally, in the case of physical abuse, the only solution is to seek immediate help and shelter.
In some ways a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties create alliances in order to strengthen their respective positions. Where they differ is that a couple in conflict sometimes develops those alliances unconsciously.
In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology, this is called triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents might decide to become that parent's "caregiver". A child in that role usually feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent.
Sometimes a teenager who is acting out will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the parents. It is as if the teen has super radar that picks up on the parents' marital distress and responds by drawing each of them away from their marital problems toward his drug abuse or her school failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.
As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with the source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However, it's difficult for the partner and the third person to withdraw from their involvement with one another.
The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is: How does a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust turn it around? If there's no trust, how do you develop a trusting relationship? I am going to propose the following steps to help you move in that direction:
Exercise
There is a consistent, underlying assumption that forms the basis for the Ten Things: there are specific principles and skills in marriage and that everyone is capable of learning them. A beautiful marriage is within the reach of most couples who choose to make their relationship a priority and who are willing to commit themselves to a lifelong training program on how to create love and happiness in their lives.
Published: Saturday, January 03, 2004
Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage
5 mistakes I make in my marriage and how I try to address them.
One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.
Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated. I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – "He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away," "He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp" etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. "Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!" "I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!" Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. "I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store" -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency. First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, "when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent." I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping.
It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, "I’m the only one around here who bothers to…" or "Why do I always have to be the one who…?" I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do. Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: "When one loves, one does not calculate." That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done. I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
-fin-
婚姻十忌(一）
WideBridge @ yeeyan.com 2009年08月02日简介
婚姻之花娇嫩，需要用心呵护。懂得哪些事可做、哪些事不可做；懂得出现问题如何去解决，才能使爱情之花永远绽放。
把深陷泥沼的婚姻转移到互相信任的安全地带
by Dr. Michael Tobin
爱这种情感十分微妙。它会从指责、愤怒和讽刺的氛围撒腿开溜，却会在尊重、接受和坦诚的环境下茁壮成长。下列10条婚姻戒律 --- 如果得到自觉、认真的遵守 --- 将把深陷泥沼的婚姻转移到互相信任的安全地带。
为什么要开一张婚姻禁忌的清单，而不是一串婚姻"必做"的积极建议呢？下面这个《塔木德经》的故事将回答这个问题：
一个没有信仰的人遇见伟大哲人、长者希勒尔，要求他用一只脚站立的时间教授他整本《托拉》。希勒尔同意了，并说："己所不欲勿施于人。除此之外的内容都在注释里，现在去学吧。"许多评论家想知道，为什么他从反面回答，而不是引用著名的圣经箴言"爱邻如爱己。"呢？
我的理解相当简单。谁都明白什么会伤害我们；谁都体验过一句吹毛求疵的话或一个轻蔑鄙视的眼神带来的痛苦有多深；谁都见到过一段负面评论如何伤害，甚至摧毁一段因缘。我们还知道，消极行为的弊远远大于利，无论是我们对别人还是别人对我们。
因此，改善关系的第一步，是杜绝污染婚姻环境的消极行为。在有毒废料场栽种玫瑰是于事无补的。我们必须首先清除毒物，然后才能美化环境。我们越注意防范可能伤害伴侣的微妙细节，就越能使我们的爱情之花绽放。
当您读完10项禁忌时，希望您做后面的练习。婚姻的挑战要求我们对3P作出承诺practice, persistence and patience（实践、毅力和耐心）。只要你照着去做，就会尝到甜头。即使其中一方为求变而不懈努力，其结果仍会相当显著。
1．不要把伴侣视作理所当然
婚姻可能是最有效也最具挑战性的塑造性格的过程。我们遇到的许多合作者让我们有机会实践自控、和善和尊重。例如，在某个特定时刻，您可能会面临选择：是勃然大怒，还是通过沟通释放胸中的怨气。在另一种场合，选择可能出现在以下两者之间：是不把她（他）放在眼里，还是心存感激。
你要么是不把配偶放在眼里的人，要么是看得到配偶善意的人，不可能两者兼有。
在这十条中，不准把伴侣视作理所当然是最独特的。实践它的唯一方法是摆出积极姿态，即学会感激。你要么是不把配偶放在眼里的人，要么是看得到配偶善意的人，不可能两者兼有。这也是克服克服自私的最佳办法。为了表明你确实有感激的愿望，你必须祛除三种消极态度 --- 盛气凌人、期望值过高和装聋作哑。
盛气凌人是指，你为我付出的一切都是应该的，我干吗要感激你。这种态度就是，我的需要第一，你必须迎合我。与盛气凌人密切相关的还有，如果我有期待，你就有义务来满足。怀着居高临下的期望值，我们就会把伴侣当作自己的延伸体，就象婴儿与母乳的关系 --- 他一哭闹，就期待立即有人来喂食。装聋作哑就是忽视或忘记显而易见的东西。我们时常对伴侣向我们释放的大大小小的善举视而不见。我怀疑正是盛气凌人的高期望值导致了装聋作哑。
如果你想知道自己是否没把伴侣当回事，我建议你先问问自己以下的问题：你对伴侣是否象对普通熟人或同事那样礼貌、和蔼、周到？对大多数人，答案是否定的。所以，再问自己一个问题：如果你的伴侣待你不客气、无视你的好意也不体谅你的需求，你有何感想？在回答之前，请想一想长者希勒尔的话"己所不欲勿施于人"。
练习
记录下伴侣为你所做的一切，无论大小，从早晨为你冲的那杯咖啡，到他（她）持家理财的高招。
问问自己，"在伴侣为你所做的那些事当中，你是否表示出感激并以何种方式表达的？"最有可能的是，你会发现，对于那么多的善意，你大概从未流露过感激之情。
尝试向自己承诺，花一周时间表达你的感激并关注发生的变化。你甚至可以写信给伴侣，说声谢谢。
2.不要胡乱猜忌
不要自以为你知道伴侣的想法和感受，很可能你是错的。没有根据的假设会造成不必要的冲突。
想象一下这种情景。你走进客厅，丈夫正坐在他最喜欢的椅子上，两眼瞪着墙。他双唇紧闭，牙关紧咬。你瞬间的反应：恐惧！"我做错什么了？他为什么如此生我的气？"你试着接近他，"怎么了，大卫？"你问道，预料他会把气撒到你头上。大卫慢慢地转过身。紧张、愤怒的神情开始融化，他伤心地说："我失业了。""谢天谢地，"你几乎脱口而出，"他不是在生我的气。"
真相大白了，该女士才发现丈夫不是在生她的气。然而，有多少次我们胡思乱想，并始终信以为真，却不去探明真相？
在医治婚姻危机的过程中常常出现这种情景：捕风捉影的结果往往是查无实据，或者只有部分属实。例如，愤怒、挑剔的丈夫被认为憎恨他的妻子，可能实际上他是怀疑妻子不爱他而缺少安全感。冷淡、有排斥心理的妻子原来是一个非常悲伤的女人，因为失去母亲而肝肠寸断。因此不要胡乱猜测。去核实。
练习
找一张纸，不多加思索地完成以下句子："我觉得我的伴侣认为我… …。"
写完之后，去核实你的猜测。
我猜想，你会发现你的许多猜测是无中生有。不过，也可能你的伴侣承认部分正确。这或许令人不快，但与现实打交道总比捕风捉影让人踏实。至少现在你能解决这个棘手问题了。
3. 不要指责
"这是你的错。是你让我这样做的。因为你，我们的关系才那么僵。你让我感觉糟透了。"说这种话多容易。"造成这场僵局，我错在哪里？"看着自己这样问却是那么的难。
"造成这场僵局，我错在哪里？"看着自己这样问是那么的难。
指责就是剥夺对方权利。在本质上，责备对方，就是在诉说对方控制了自己的感情和行为。双方的关系变成了巴甫洛夫和他的狗 --- 铃声一响，狗就流口水。妻子忘记打招呼，我就发飙。
在指责对方时，我们剥夺了对方认真考虑我们言论并作出周到反应的机会。我们不是在表达自己正当的不满情绪，而是在指责、威胁对方，必然招致类似的反击。其结果要么小冲突不断，要么全面战争爆发。于是我们在痛苦中明白，在爱情和战争中，一切都是公平的，没有赢家，婚姻也不例外。
那么，避免相互指责的解药是什么？答案很简单：承担自己的那份责任。然而，要付诸行动确是一种挑战。放弃自以为是的感觉很难，放弃逼迫对方认错也很难。让我告诉你婚姻的真谛："一贯正确"是婚姻关系中的末等奖。你赢了，但婚姻输了。如果你要让婚姻取胜，试着用心寻找：引起冲突，你的那份责任。扪心自问，"我是不是在制造隔阂和伤害？"
练习
把你指责对方的方式全部列出来。例如："都是因为你家里才乱七八糟"或者"莎拉混在坏人堆里，是因为你从来不花时间陪她"。
深刻反省并记下自己该负的责任。
寻求解决每种情况的办法。在后面的例子中，她可以考虑这样对她的丈夫说，"莎拉混在坏人堆里我很担心。我想谈谈我们能采取些什么措施。"她可能会惊喜地发现，受到尊重的丈夫马上认识到，他该花更多时间陪女儿。
4. 不要作解读
想想你会作何感想，如果你的伴侣告诉你，"现在我明白为什么你如此挑剔。你就像你老爸。我敢肯定，他对你的挑剔超过你对我。"你会不会把这种对你行为的所谓的分析，看作是有益的，能帮你促进自我认识和个人发展？
我想，答案是不言自明的。这些话似乎很有见地，但事实上，这些关切是裹着客观外衣的怨言。你可能相信，你了解对方最深刻的动机和行为上最微妙细小的差别。你可能认为，在解读对方行为时，你客观而有帮助。但我可以告诉你，深陷婚姻关系中的人没有谁能保持专业性的距离。我们的解读，更多的出于自我利益和改变对方的欲望。
我不希望妻子解读我的思想和感受。我希望她倾听。
也许，你同我一样。我不希望妻子解读我的思想和感受。我希望她倾听并听懂我的意思。我希望她交流时作为一个朋友，一个关心我的人。我希望她，通过回想我的倾诉、辨别我的感受，帮助我了解自己。
因此，为避免解读，让我开出两剂解药：首先，提防你的怨言，别让它在你分析对方行为之时乘机流露。其次，以开放、关爱的心态倾听。
练习
下一次你的伴侣同你交谈，一定要格外用心去明白她的意思。用积极的非语言的方式表明你在倾听。为此，您可以保持眼神接触，或握着伴侣的手或温柔地拥抱她。
时不时地发表些支持性言论，表明你理解对方的感受。可能的例子是，"我明白你为何生老板的气。如果我是你，肯定也会暴跳如雷的。"
5.不要言不由衷
我们常常不敢对伴侣说"不"。或许，你是怕她会生气。或许，如果你说"对不起，我不是故意的，"他会失望而你会开始内疚。所以，不主张自己的观点，不说出真实意图，我们最终会适得其反，心怀怨言。言不由衷是我们的关系出了故障，因为没有真诚就没有柔情蜜意。
为对方着想而付出并不意味着你必须牺牲自己的感情、需求去迎合伴侣。如果一味的迎合，你很可能觉得反感或产生了隔阂。向伴侣表达你的真实情感和愿望，让他把你当作真正的你，而不是你以为他想要的那个虚构的你。我之前引用过的圣人希勒尔说过与此相关的箴言："我不为己，谁人为我？若仅为己，我为何物？若非此时，更待何时？"
也许，当你想说"不"的时候，就说"不"；想说"是"的时候，就说"是"，你的伴侣或许会觉得更安全，因为对方知道可以相信你所说的话。然而，更可能的是，你刚刚改变的举动会让对方感到威胁。你必须记住他还没习惯你的诚实。当她了解到你以前所有的"是"不少是言不由衷的，她会痛苦和惊讶。
重要的是要明白，任何时候你改变婚姻规则，必然会有冲突。这没关系。冲突往往是婚姻关系发展的必须。通过冲突，彼此会加深了解，建立更牢固的纽带。
如果你与配偶关系已经牢固，那么你对诚实的担当只会加深这种关系。如果还不牢固，建议你小心从事。在你敞开心扉之前，斟酌一下对方可能的反应。有些夫妇可能需要专业指导，帮助他们把惟对方是从过渡到彼此坦诚的关系。通往开诚布公更深境界之路往往是不平坦的，然而，你一旦达到，一切付出都是值得的。
练习
把下边的话写在纸上："我担心告诉对方… …
列出清单，把最容易吐露的真相排在第一，次容易的第二，依次类推。
想象自己走过去告诉他（或）她真相。注意体会行动时的感受。让呼吸平静下来，轻轻告戒自己放松心情。当你在意念中做到之后，试着付诸行动。从清单上最容易那件做起。
婚姻十忌（二）
WideBridge @ yeeyan.com 2009年08月06日简介
有一首歌唱道："我能想到最浪漫的事/就是和你一起慢慢变老/直到我们老得哪儿也去不了/你还依然把我当成手心里的宝"。学会化解婚姻矛盾，把彼此的关系摆在首位并承诺，用一生来浇灌爱情和幸福，美满婚姻就在你手中。
把深陷泥沼的婚姻转移到互相信任的安全地带
by Dr. Michael Tobin
6.不要把沉默当武器
沉默是杀伤性武器。比起诉诸于冷冰冰的沉默，夫妇之间还是进行非暴力的口水之战为好，至少可以讲出怨气的由头，而不是在沉默中想象双方的分歧有多大。沉默是一种情感放逐。我们通过彼此封闭、拒绝承认对方的存在而互相惩罚。愤怒的沉默传达的信息是我的合伙人有罪，如果她希望进一步与我沟通，那么她将不得不道歉，并请求我的原谅。它是一种功能强大的操控方式，但在婚姻中不应该有一席之地。
因此，为有效解决冲突，你需要学会用可以被聆听、被接受和被解决的方式表达不满。这种技巧在婚姻中极其重要，如果没有，小问题会酿成大灾难。
那么，如何学会把难以启齿的话说出口？如何向情绪对抗的伴侣倾诉？没有简单的答案。正如前面"不要言不由衷"所告戒的，学会如何解决婚姻难题，你可以寻找专业帮助。不过，在拿主意前，请做下面的练习来发泄怨气。
练习
- 把你的不满列出来。如："我怨你… …"
- 写信把折磨你的问题告诉伴侣。请从积极、可爱之处写起。切莫抱怨指责。如果意识到自己有挑起事端的份，请告诉对方。当意识到你也在反思，对方会更坦诚地看待自己的责任。下面是信件样本：
亲爱的大卫，
我感到实在有必要同你谈谈。我爱你，我希望我们的婚姻步入正轨。我想告诉你，也许我伤害了你，但那决非我故意。我想做的是要让我们彼此靠得更近。但有些事我还无法释怀。请考虑我的建议，尽量不要反应过激。
… …
这对我很难，不过我已经跨出了这一步。我因为… … 而内心不安。
众所周知，愤怒的力量很大，能毁掉婚姻。因此，学会控制消极情绪对创造美满婚姻至关重要。第一步是控制怨气，而不是让怨气控制你，弄清自己怨什么，并且把怨气达到毒害程度前释放出来。一旦你越过了这些障碍，进入良性互动，你就朝创造美满婚姻迈出了一大步。
7. 不要耍脾气
耍脾气是用过行为间接地表达情绪。例如，小女孩可能用赖学、乱用药物或酗酒的方式，发泄对父母的怨气。她害怕流露真情实感，所以做出引人瞩目的举动，提醒或激怒父母。耍脾气，是一种极端的挑衅行为，对于建立完善的关系，显得既无知又尴尬。
诠释"我太生你气了"的方式，五花八门，不一而足
婚姻中常见的耍脾气方式有：把房间弄得一团糟、威胁要离婚、身心自虐、沮丧消沉、胡乱花钱甚至企图自杀。总之，诠释"我太生你气了"的方式，五花八门，不一而足。
最常见的耍脾气是消极对抗。典型的例子是不履行诺言、把对方的衣服人扔得满屋子都是、不负责任的乱花钱、袖手旁观以及对婚姻关系满不在乎。
那么，破解之道是什么？不出意外的话，就是直接对话 --- 学会如何向对方说出自己心里的感受。耍脾气掩盖了实质问题，同时把焦点转移到了该行为本身。
请做以下练习，锻炼你的直接沟通能力。
练习
- 找一个３０分钟内不会被干扰的僻静、舒适地方。
- 闭上双眼，轻松自在地呼吸。集中注意力，体会吐故纳新的过程。
- 几分钟之后，问自己这个问题："我为什么要用这种方法激怒他（她）？"譬如：把房间弄得一团糟、不负责任的乱花钱。又譬如：故意做事拖拉。注意：一定要诚实。
- 发现这些行为之后，把它们写下来。问自己是否想继续用这些方法发泄。如果答案是否定的，接着问自己："这些行为能达到什么目的？能否找到更有效的方法，通过对话发泄怨气吗？
- 注意，此过程可能会挖出更深的恩怨。请记住，实事求是才是疗治婚姻伤口的最终和唯一途径。千万不要翻箱倒柜，当面立马将所有消极情绪都和盘托出。
8. 不要贬低对方
贬低是指用语言降低对方的自我价值。贬低的言论有："你这人太懒。""你不负责任，不可信赖。""你是个不称职的父亲和糟糕的丈夫。"我们在界定伴侣缺点时，如此有创意，太令人惊奇了。我们每个人都可能编织一份详细清单，例举对方种种坏习惯、种种令人无法接受的性格特征和古怪行为。在气头上，利用这些细节的强大冲动无与伦比。
千万要克制。否则的话，对方肯定会有所反应，不是反击就是否认。这种反应既不解决问题，也不创造亲密。
不要说以‘你’开头的气话，试试从‘我’说起。譬如："当… …时，我不满意。""我看不惯，当你做… …。"而不是这样："你是个白痴！""你真苯！""你老把事情弄得一团糟！""你就像你妈。你们俩都是杂乱无章的低能。"这种言论根本不可能改变对方的行为。
假如你这样说，或许能凑效："我说，格雷克，屋子脏兮兮的，让我看不下去。我知道你没闲着，也管不过来。不过，要是你能打扫一下，我会很感激的。"现在，我不敢肯定他不会辩解，但是我敢断定，比起你批评他懒散，他的反应会更温和。
练习
- 把你能想到的所有以"你"开头的气话列出来。
- 把"你"改成"我"，并且写成"我感到 … … （你的感受），当你做 … … (对方的行为) 时。
- 试着跟对方说以"我"开头的话。
9. 不要发出威胁
婚姻关系遭受重创的可能性是巨大的。即使是最恩爱的关系也可以演变成势不两立如仇敌之间的恶斗。在充满风险的婚姻游戏中，没有什么比风平浪静更甜蜜，重要的是要双赢。辱骂和人身威胁是破坏婚姻的利剑。
无论何时何地，决不向伴侣发出口头或人身威胁
对于深陷争执的情侣，唯一的忠告是：寻求专业帮助，或者，假如受到人身攻击，立刻寻求保护。幸亏，我们大多数人不是那种残酷、毁灭性战役中的角斗士。而且我估计，每一个都渴望学会如何建立安宁恩爱的婚姻关系。如果是这样，让我斗胆发出严厉警告：永远不要威胁对方，包括吓唬、恐吓、辱骂，更不能拳脚相加。
无论你气有多大，必须向自己做出如下保证：无论何时何地，决不向伴侣发出口头或人身威胁。如果你尚不清楚威胁是什么东西，让我给你界定。它是会造成你伴侣身心俱痛的口头陈述、姿势表情和行为动作。其实，发出威胁的一方也觉得受到另一方极大的伤害。此时他（她）所能想到摆脱痛苦的唯一出路，就是让对方像也自己一样痛苦不堪。如果觉得化干戈为玉帛比让对方听到威胁更重要，你就已经从灾难性危机中跨出了出来，尽管是一小步。
假如我来问问那些闹得不可开交的夫妇，是否真想伤害对方，他们中大多数一定会这样回答："完全不是。只是当她不听我时，我才变得非常沮丧，失去了理智。"或者："我恨我们之间所发生的一切。但是我费了九牛二虎之力想让他明白我的意思，他根本不愿听。结果，我想做的就是伤害他了。"有些夫妇为了摆脱痛苦和挫折，诉诸情感和肢体暴力，以为这是自我保护的唯一方式。
练习
假如发现自己在生对方的气，请做下面的消气练习。不过，练习之前，给你提个醒。或许你们双方都有必要寻求专业帮助以消除积怨。此外，若遭遇人身攻击，唯一的办法就是立即寻求救助和保护。
- 找个不受打扰的房间，用手或球拍击打枕头，直至怒气开始消散。也许击打时喊叫有助于排解怨气，不过建议你在无人听见的情况下做。
- 其次，列出你怨恨的原因。譬如："我怨你因为… …。"
- 写信告诉对方你的苦恼。试着不要抱怨，但可以谈谈你的孤寂和受到的伤害，谈谈彼此关系中的缺失。
10. 不要扯入第三方
某些方面，对峙中双方的本能反应很像两个准备交战的国家，会寻找联盟，以巩固各自的阵地。然而，所不同的是，冲突中的夫妇寻找联盟常常是在无意识下进行的。
在冲突中，往往是感到最不舒坦的那一方最终退却，去寻找能支持他（她）的同盟。用婚姻心理学术语，这被称作‘第三方’。譬如，割断与丈夫情感联络的妻子倍感孤独，会增加同孩子的交流，以降低内心的痛苦。孩子对家长的遭遇极其敏感，也许会成为某一方的"情感保姆"。而扮演这种角色的孩子常有被撕裂的感觉，并在某种程度上因不得不袒护某一方感到怨恨。
只要有第三方的存在，夫妻双方就不可能直面消除问题的根源
然而，孩子的行为也时常在不知不觉地稳固父母间的关系。他们仿佛是超级雷达，能捕捉到父母婚姻中的痛苦。他们会作出反应，如滥用药物和学习成绩下降，目的是让父母分散对婚姻矛盾的注意力。可以说，为了转移父母眼前的痛苦，孩子们的创意举动层出不穷。
只要有第三方的存在，夫妻双方就不可能直面消除问题的根源。第三方也是一个障碍，会阻挡夫妻间真正亲密与恩爱的恢复。然而，要让第三方退出绝非轻而易举。
互相信任与亲密无间是根治第三方卷入的良方。问题是：被争执、排斥和猜疑死死缠绕的夫妇如何才能转危为安？如果没有互相信任作基础，怎么去发展互信关系呢？建议你采取以下步骤，朝着那个方向努力。
练习
- 明确第三方的身份，尽量减低其个人情感掺和的程度。
- 对于婚姻中的缺憾不要隐瞒。写下你想作的调整。譬如，假如你没有花时间陪对方，可以写："我想每星期花一个晚上与你单独在一起。"
- 写信告诉对方婚姻中什么问题让你苦恼。不要指责，同时谈谈你打算如何改善彼此关系。
- 几天之后，试着接近对方，讨论信中的问题。如果对方反应积极，就着手改善关系。要获得成功，可以向专业人士求助。如果你的伴侣愿意，寻找一个合格的婚姻治疗师。
婚姻中十件忌讳事相互间有一致和内在的联系。处理婚姻矛盾，有具体的原则和技巧，而且，每个人都有能力学会他们。只要双方把彼此的关系摆在首位，只要双方愿意承诺，用一生的时间来培育爱情和幸福，美满婚姻就在你手中。
我在婚姻里犯的五个错误
红底白叶子 @ yeeyan.com 2009年07月30日简介
婚姻几乎是每个人都要经历的阶段，虽说幸福的人都是一样的幸福，但是在婚姻里总会多多少少出现一些问题，那么，你找到答案了吗
我关于"幸福"课题里所包括的12个主题中，有一个就是婚姻。对我来说，和很多人一样，婚姻是生活和幸福中最重要的部分。当我开始这个课题时，我也找出了我想要做出的变化--就像为保持这些变化而做出的决定--我发现在我的婚姻中，有5个特别的误区。
下面，和我想出的办法一起，我尝试着去解决他们。
1. 我过于期待赞赏。你想象不到我是多么期望得到别人的赞赏和认可！我一直追求能把家务做到完美。但我的丈夫却不那么在意，这让我不爽和生气。我想出了一个好点子。我过去就告诉自己我所做的一切都是为了他。--"他看到我把书整理好该有多开心啊"，"他知道我终于找到宿营的打包箱该有多高兴啊"等等这些。--但是他并不领情，我立刻就疯了。现在我告诉自己我做这些事情，是因为我想做。"喔，看着碗柜多棒"，"看我多有调理，提前就把日用品都收拾好了"。因为我是为我自己做，他不必留意。这听起来有点以自我为中心，但是确实管用。
2. 总爱教训人。我是个火爆脾气，非常容易发火的人—但是我的丈夫非常不喜欢我对他大吼大嚷（真实惊奇）。我尝试了很多方法来控制我的脾气。我不让自己太饿或者太冷（我很容易就有这样的感觉）；我努力让家井井有条，因为只要乱了一点，我就抓狂了；当他为了要我消消气逗我笑，我就努力配合他笑笑；我尽量控制自己说话的声音，让他感觉我心情不错，而不是在急躁地指责他。不过，让我为难的是，还没有多大的进展。
3. 本性不改，我就生气。这点非常非常难。从我幸福课题中学到的一点就是，除了你自己，你谁也改变不了，然而我又特别喜欢起改变我丈夫的某些他根本不愿意改变的习惯。他不肯好好地回我的电邮。他总是做很多诱惑我的甜点，等等等等。现在我改了，遇到这些事我不像以前那样火冒三丈，转而努力去提醒我自己他其实也没那么多毛病。
4. 斤斤计较。我是个斤斤计较的人，老是算计着谁谁做了什么。"我打扫了厨房，你就该去整理储藏室"—这之类的事情。我发现了两个方法来解决这个麻烦。第一，我提醒自己当心下意识的要求过高现象。比如，在对比他人时，我们会无意识地高估自己的贡献，或者技术。这很容易理解，因为我们当然会觉得自己比别人做的多。根据Jonathan Haidt的‘幸福感假说’，"当夫妻双方估计自己和对方各做了多少家务时，他们总共估计的会超过百分之120."我抱怨给孩子找保姆花了很多时间，还付了很多账单，但是我忽视了修车，买食品也占用了我丈夫很多时间。
不难发现，要求过高会带来埋怨，还会觉得自己的负担越来越多。所以现在每当我有类似于"我是这唯一为什么什么事操心的人"，或者"为什么只有我想去怎么样怎么样"这些想法的时候，我提醒自己还有很多事我没有做。第二，牢记我精神导师，法国Lisieux的St. Therese说过的话"你爱他，就不要计较那么多。"这句箴言是我第11条个人戒律的基础：不要仅仅计较。
5. 把我的丈夫想当然了。因为很容易忽视我丈夫所做的一些小事（参见第4条），我很容易地久忘记了他的有点，取而代之的是抓住他的小毛病不撒手（参见第3条）。比如，我发现尽管平心静气地说话很难，我的丈夫就有这个超赞的性格，说话几乎从不刁难我。我努力记着，我爱他身上的那些有点，把让我心烦的琐事抛到脑后。说起来容易做起来难啊。多亲吻他几次，多拥抱他几回，多爱抚他一会，这些我下过决心要做的事，很有效得让我一直感受到爱的温暖，心存感激。
你的婚姻，或者长期的恋爱中有哪些误会呢？有没有找到解决的办法呢？
10 Things Never to do in a Marriage, Part 1
Transform a relationship mired in negativity into one based on trust and safety.by Dr. Michael Tobin
Love is a very delicate feeling. It flees from an atmosphere filled with blame, anger and sarcasm and grows in an environment of respect, acceptance and honesty. The following 10 marital proscriptions -- if followed consciously and conscientiously-- will transform a relationship mired in negativity into one based on trust and safety.
Why a list of marital taboos rather than a positive "to do" list of marital suggestions? The following Talmudic story answer the question:
A non-believer confronted the great sage Hillel, the Elder, and demanded that he teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel agreed and said the following: "What's hateful to yourself don't do to another. Everything else is commentary. Now go and learn." Many commentators have wondered why he chose to answer in the negative rather than quoting the famous Biblical proscription "To love thy neighbor as thyself."
My understanding is quite simple. We understand what it is that hurts us; we've experienced how painful a critical statement or disdainful look can feel; we've seen how one negative comment can harm or even destroy a relationship and we know that the negative things that we do or that are done to us can far outweigh our or others' positive behaviors.
Therefore, the first step in improving a relationship is to eradicate the negative behaviors that continually pollute the marital environment. It doesn't help to plant rose bushes in a toxic waste field. First, we have to clean up the poison and then we can beautify the area. The more we sensitize ourselves to the subtle ways that we have hurt our partners, the more we enable our feelings of love to blossom.
As you read each of the following 10 Things, I encourage you to practice the exercises. The challenge of marriage demands a commitment to the three P's -- practice, persistence and patience. Just do it, and you'll begin to see the benefit. Even if only one of the partners in the relationship makes a concerted effort to change, the results will still be quite significant.
1. DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED
Marriage is probably the most effective and challenging training program for developing character. Many of the encounters we have with our partners afford us an opportunity to practice self-control, kindness and respect. At any given moment, for example, you could be confronted with a choice between lashing out in anger or communicating your resentment. At another moment, the choice might be between taking your partner for granted or expressing appreciation.You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground.
The injunction to stop taking your partner for granted is unique among the 10 Things. The only way to fulfill it is by performing a positive act, namely showing appreciation. You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground. It is also the best means for overcoming selfishness. In order to reach the point where you have a real desire to express appreciation you have to uproot three negative attitudes -- a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and conscious amnesia.
Entitlement is that sense that whatever you do for me I deserve, so why bother thanking you. It's the attitude that my needs come first and it's your job to meet them. Closely aligned with a sense of entitlement is the attitude that if I expect it, you're obligated to do it. With entitlement and expectations, we relate to our partners as if they are extensions of ourselves, not unlike a baby's relationship to his mother's breast. When he cries, he expects to be fed immediately. Conscious amnesia or mindlessness is the art of ignoring or forgetting the obvious. We become oblivious to those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. I suspect a sense of entitlement or expectation leads to a state of conscious amnesia.
If you wish to know if you're taking your partner for granted, then I suggest you ask yourself the following question: Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance or to a colleague? For most of us, the answer is no. So, ask yourself this question: How would you feel if your partner treated you impolitely, ignored your kindnesses and was inconsiderate of your needs? Before answering, remember the words of Hillel the Elder, "What's hateful to you, don't do to another."
Exercise
Record those things that your partner does for you -- both large and small. Try to include everything from the cup of coffee he makes for you in the morning to the efficient way that she manages the finances.
Ask yourself, "Among those things that your partner does for you, do you show appreciation and in what manner do you express it?" Most likely, you'll discover that for a good of portion of the kindnesses on the list you've probably never expressed your gratitude.
Try committing yourself to a week of expressing your appreciation and notice the change. You might even consider writing a letter of appreciation to your partner.
2. DON'T MIND-READ
Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There's a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.
Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there's your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear! "What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach him, "What's the matter, David?" you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. David slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I've been laid off." "Thank God," you almost blurt out, "at least it wasn't me."
In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and discovered that her husband wasn't upset with her. Yet, how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they're true?
It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn't love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, grieving the loss of her mother. Don't assume. Check it out.
Exercise
Take a piece of paper and without thinking too much about it, complete the following sentence: "I assume that my partner thinks or feels.... about me."
After you compile your list, try checking out your assumptions.
I suspect that you'll discover that many of your assumptions are incorrect. However, it is possible that your partner will acknowledge the validity of some of your assumptions. This may be painful but it's far better to deal with reality than unverified assumptions. At least now, you have the possibility of resolving the issue.
3. DON'T BLAME
How easy it is to say, "It's your fault. You made me do it. It's because of you that things are so bad between us. You're the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"
It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"
Blaming is a form of disempowerment. In essence, when I blame I am saying to my partner that she controls my feelings and behavior. My relationship to her is like that of Pavlov's dog -- the bell rings, the dog salivates. My wife forgets to say hello, and I blow up.
When we blame, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. Instead of expressing our legitimate grievances and feelings, we accuse and threaten, which only invites a similar response. The result is either a skirmish or an all out war, and, as we so painfully understand, all is fair in love and war and marriage is both.
So, what's the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice, however, is a challenge. It's hard to give up that feeling of being right. It's so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I'll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. If you want the relationship to win, try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"
Exercise
Write a list of all the ways you blame your spouse. For example, "It's because of you that the house is a mess" or "You're the reason Sara is running around with a bad crowd. It's because you never spend any time with her."
Take a good hard look at yourself and record what you're responsible for.
Look for solutions in each of these situations. In the last example, she might consider telling her husband, "I'm worried that Sara is running around with a bad crowd. I'd like to talk about what we can do about it." She might be pleasantly surprised to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband, on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time with his daughter.
4. DON'T INTERPRET
Think about how you would feel if your partner were to tell you, "Now I understand why you're so critical. You're just like your father. I'm sure he was even more critical of you than you are of me." Would you experience this so-called analysis of your behavior as helpful, as contributing to your self-knowledge and personal development?
I think the answer is self-evident. The words might appear to contain insightful information, but, in fact, they are resentments cloaked in a garment of objective concern. You might believe you understand your partner's deepest motivations and the subtlest nuances of his behavior, and you might think you're being objective and helpful when you interpret his behavior, but I can tell you that nobody who is deeply involved in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often than not, our interpretations come from a place of self-interest and a desire to change our partners.
I don't want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen.
Perhaps, you're like me. I don't want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. I want her to help me to understand myself by reflecting back what I am saying and by identifying the feelings that I am expressing.
Therefore, in order to avoid interpreting, let me suggest the following two antidotes: First, be clear about your resentments and be careful not to express them covertly through an analysis of your partner's behavior. Second, listen in an open, loving manner.
Exercise
The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard at trying to understand her. Practice active listening by non-verbally indicating that you're hearing him. You can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your partner's hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual manner.
Periodically, respond with supportive statements that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might be, "I understand how angry you are at your boss. If I were you, I'd sure be furious."
5. DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO
We're often afraid to say no to our partners. Perhaps, you're scared that she'll become angry, or, maybe, if you were to say "I'm sorry, I just don't want to do that," he'd be disappointed and you'd start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying what we want, we end up doing the opposite and feeling resentful. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being real in the relationship. There's no intimacy in a relationship without honesty.
Becoming other-centered and giving does not mean that you have to sacrifice your feelings, wants and needs in order to satisfy your partner. If you do, you may very well feel resentful or distant. By expressing your true feelings and desires to your spouse, you enable him to relate to the real you rather than to some fictitious version of what you think he wants. The same Hillel, the Elder, whom I quoted earlier, said something very relevant and profound: "If I am not for me who am I? And, if I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, when?" It may be that when you start to say no when you mean no, you'll say yes when you mean yes and your spouse might feel safer knowing that he can trust what you're saying. More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at first be threatening to your partner. Remember he's not used to your honesty. She might be painfully surprised to learn that not all your yeses were indeed yeses.
It's important to know that any time you change the rules in a relationship there's bound to be conflict. That's okay. Conflict is often necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict, two people can create a deeper understanding of one another and develop a stronger bond.
If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship. If you don't, I recommend that you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest, try assessing what your partner's reaction will be. Some couples may need professional guidance to help them make the transition from a relationship based on wanting the other's approval to a relationship grounded in truth. The process of reaching a deeper level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it's well worth it.
Exercise
Write the following on a piece of paper: "I'm afraid to tell my partner...."
Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths to reveal, two the second easiest and so on.
Imagine approaching your partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell yourself to relax. When you're able to visualize speaking to your partner, then take the risk to do it in reality. Start with the easiest (1) and go down your list.
Published: Saturday, December 27, 2003
10 Things Never to do in a Marriage, Part 2
6. Don't Use Silence As A Weapon
Silence is a deadly weapon. It's far better for a couple to engage in a non-violent, verbal fight where at least they can express what's bothering them than to resort to an icy silence where all they can do is imagine how many different ways they're angry with one other.
Silence is a form of emotional banishment. We punish our partners by cutting them off and refusing to acknowledge their existence. An angry silence communicates the message that my partner is the guilty party and if she wishes any further contact with me, then she will have to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. It is a powerful form of control and manipulation and has no place in a marriage.
Therefore, in order to resolve conflicts effectively, you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a marriage; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.
So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may be reactive? There are no simple answers and like with the previous injunction of "Don't Say Yes, When You Mean No," you may need to seek professional help to learn how to resolve your marital difficulties. However, before you make that decision try the following exercise to help you to express your anger.
Exercise
- Write a list of your resentments in the following way: "I resent you for x."
- Write a letter to your partner about what's bothering you. Try to start from a positive, loving place. Be careful not to blame or accuse. If you are aware of what your part is in creating problems, tell him. Your partner will be much more open to looking at his part if he feels you're doing the same. Here is a small sample of a potential letter:
Dear David,
I feel a real need to talk about us. I love you and want our marriage to work. What I'm about to tell you might hurt you. It's not my intention. What I want to do is for us to be close. But there are things I want to get off my chest. Please think about what I'm writing and try hard not to react with anger.
This is hard for me but here goes. I am upset with you for...
We all know that anger is a powerful emotion that can destroy a relationship. Thus, learning how to master your negative feelings is an essential skill for creating a wonderful relationship. The first step to controlling your anger, rather than having your anger control you, is to recognize your resentments and to express them before they reach a toxic level. When you give yourself permission to let go of these three obstacles to good communication, you will have made a giant leap toward creating a loving marriage.
7. Don't Act Out
Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. For example, a teenage girl might act out by failing in school or using drugs or alcohol as a way of expressing her anger towards her parents. She's afraid to express her true feelings so she resorts to attention-getting behaviors that alarm and infuriate her parents. Acting out behavior, as provocative as it can be, is really an unconscious and awkward attempt at establishing a relationship.
There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."
In marriage, couples act out by making messes, by withdrawing, by being emotionally and physically abusive, by becoming depressed, by being irresponsible with money and even by attempting suicide. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."
One of the most common forms of acting out behavior is by being passive aggressive. Some typical examples of passive aggressive behavior are promising to do something and then failing to do it, leaving your clothes strewn around the room, being irresponsible with money, playing helpless and being uninterested in marital relations.
So, what is the solution for acting out behavior? The answer, not surprisingly, is direct communication -- learning how to say to your partner what's really on your mind. Acting out behavior masks the real problem and instead focuses the couple on the behavior itself.
To practice your skill at direct communication, try the following exercise:
Exercise
- Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes.
- Close your eyes and breathe easily and effortlessly. Stay focused on your breathing. In a relaxed manner, observe your breath as you inhale and exhale.
- After a few minutes ask yourself the following question: "What is it that I do that bothers my partner?" For example, it might be the mess you leave; the way you spend money, or your lateness. Be honest with yourself.
- After you've become aware of these behaviors, write them down. Ask yourself if you wish to continue to use these methods to express your feelings. If the answer is "No," then ask yourself, "What purpose do these behaviors serve and what would be a more effective way of communicating the feelings that these behaviors are expressing?
- Be aware that this process might uncover some deep hurts and resentments. Remember that dealing with the truth is ultimately the only way to heal your relationship. Be careful not to dump all of your negative feelings on your partner at once.
8. Don't Discount
A discount is a remark designed to reduce your partner's self worth. Some examples of discounting statements are: "You're so lazy." "You're irresponsible and untrustworthy." "You're a terrible father and an awful husband." It's amazing how creative we can be when it comes to identifying our partner's blemishes. Most likely, each one of us can compile a detailed list of our partners' bad habits, unacceptable character traits and generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument, the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful.
Try to resist. If not, you can be sure your partner will react in one of two ways: he or she will either respond in kind or deny. Neither reaction solves problems or creates intimacy.
Instead of making angry statements that begin with "You," try making "I" statements. Examples of "I" statements are: "I feel angry when..." "I resent it when you do such and such a thing..." Not "You are such an idiot! "You are such a slob!" "You always leave messes!" "You're just like your mother. Both of you are disorganized incompetents." Her behavior won't change because of that piece of feedback.
However, it might, if you were to say, "You know, Greg, it bothers me when the house is not clean. I know you're busy and I know it's hard for you but I would appreciate it if you could clean it up." Now, I'm not promising that he won't be defensive, but I do believe he'll be less reactive than if you were to criticize him for his sloppy behavior.
Exercise
- Make a list of all the angry "you" statements that you can think of.
- Change the "you" statements into "I" statements by writing "I feel x (your feeling) when you do y (your partner's behavior).
- Practice making "I" statements with your partner.
9. Don't Threaten
The creative and destructive potentials of a marital relationship are enormous. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game, nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that counts is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.
Under no circumstances whatsoever will I at any time make a verbal or physical threat toward my spouse.
The only advice you can give to a couple that is engaged in such a struggle is: Seek professional help or, in the case of physical abuse, find immediate protection. Fortunately, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I'm assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to offer a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses her.
No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I at any time make a verbal or physical threat toward my spouse. If it's not clear to you what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner. A partner who threatens is a partner who feels deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse. The only way she knows to relieve her suffering is by making her spouse feel as miserable as she. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you're one small step from a dangerous crisis.
If I were to ask most couples in an abusive relationship if they really want to hurt each other, they would invariably respond with the following answers: "No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn't hear me that I just lose it." Or, "I hate what's happening to us, but I've tried so hard to get him to understand me and he just refuses to listen. So, now all I want to do is hurt him." Out of pain and frustration, some couples resort to emotional and physical violence, believing it to be the only way they can protect themselves.
Exercise
If you find yourself filled with anger toward your spouse, then do the following rage reduction exercise. However, before proceeding I want to offer a word of caution. It may be necessary for you and your partner to receive professional help in order to learn how to manage your deep resentments. Additionally, in the case of physical abuse, the only solution is to seek immediate help and shelter.
- Go into a room where you won't be disturbed and with either your hands or with a tennis racket beat a pillow until you feel your rage dissipating. It might be helpful to yell or scream as you're beating the pillow. I would only recommend you do that if no one will hear you.
- Next, list all the ways you resent your partner. Start each sentence with "I resent you for..."
- Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what's bothering you. Try not to blame but write about your hurt and loneliness and about what's missing in the relationship.
10. Don't Triangulate
In some ways a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties create alliances in order to strengthen their respective positions. Where they differ is that a couple in conflict sometimes develops those alliances unconsciously.
In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology, this is called triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents might decide to become that parent's "caregiver". A child in that role usually feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent.
As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with the source of their problem.
Sometimes a teenager who is acting out will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the parents. It is as if the teen has super radar that picks up on the parents' marital distress and responds by drawing each of them away from their marital problems toward his drug abuse or her school failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.
As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with the source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However, it's difficult for the partner and the third person to withdraw from their involvement with one another.
The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is: How does a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust turn it around? If there's no trust, how do you develop a trusting relationship? I am going to propose the following steps to help you move in that direction:
Exercise
- Identify with whom you are triangulated and make an effort to reduce the level of emotional involvement with that individual.
- Be straight about what's missing in your marriage. Write down what you would like to change in your relationship. For example, if you hardly spend any time with one another, you might write, "I would like to spend one evening a week alone with you."
- Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what's bothering you about the relationship. Avoid blaming and write about how you would like to improve the marriage.
- After a few days, approach your partner and try to talk about what you've written. If the response is positive, then begin the work on improving your relationship. You may need professional help to succeed. If your partner is willing, look for a competent marital therapist.
There is a consistent, underlying assumption that forms the basis for the Ten Things: there are specific principles and skills in marriage and that everyone is capable of learning them. A beautiful marriage is within the reach of most couples who choose to make their relationship a priority and who are willing to commit themselves to a lifelong training program on how to create love and happiness in their lives.
Published: Saturday, January 03, 2004
Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage
Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage
5 mistakes I make in my marriage and how I try to address them.
One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.
Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated. I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – "He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away," "He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp" etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. "Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!" "I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!" Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. "I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store" -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency. First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, "when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent." I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping.
It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, "I’m the only one around here who bothers to…" or "Why do I always have to be the one who…?" I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do. Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: "When one loves, one does not calculate." That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done. I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
-fin-
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Chinese Style Divorce 中国式离婚
Chinese Style Divorce
中国式离婚
王海鸰新作：中国式离婚
送你一句宋氏名言林小枫：初恋不可忘却的不是初恋的对象，是青春初始时的悸动，是对纯洁青春的怀念。所以，聪明的人们说，永远不要跟你的初恋对象见面，否则，他的苍老平庸，会把曾经有过的美丽彻底葬送。
在女人的身上，漂亮和美丽是有区别的。漂亮更多的是与生俱来，是天赋是遗传，美丽却还需要有后天的因素，比如，言谈举止的从容优雅
男人追求事业成功，女人追求事业成功的男人，谁也不能免俗
家庭妇女就是这样在婚姻里炼成的
女人对男人的崇拜，是爱的基础。而今崇拜已不复存在
对一个男人来说，最窝囊的事，是什么？……那就是，让老婆瞧不起。
要是女人说一个男人是好人的时候，那就有问题了。在女人的辞典里，好男人的同义词就是，没有出息的男人……
钱。万恶之源钱为首，贫穷夫妻百事哀
永远不用牛仔裤配皮鞋，不用西裤配旅游鞋；再如，不留女人式长发，指甲要干净；还有，要抢着付账，要认为男人买单是天经地义，哪怕是假装；最后一条，礼物不在多频繁，在于出其不意，不在多贵重，在于里面的小字条。
美丽是女人在男人那里的通行证。所有男人。正派的和不正派的。
人再要强，也抵不过现实情况的严峻。
所有男人，只要他是男人，就不会对美丽的异性视而不见无动于衷。
所谓"钱再多也不算多"，其实说的就是这种现象：钱多了就想提高生活质量，而人们对于生活质量的期待，永远会走在经济实力的前面——如不是这样也就没有了奋斗的动力。
由于不知对方会是谁，也由于期盼，声音不由得有一些拿捏，娇柔如同少女。但是即刻，神态大变，语气也随之大变，音调一下子低了不止八度，恢复了中年妇女本色。
对男士，他会亲热地给上一拳，说一声："怎么搞的，头发都掉光了？该补肾了！"对女士，则握着对方的手凝神看着她的脸，说一句："一点都没有变！不，变了，越变越年轻了！"
我的歌声穿过深夜，向你轻轻飞去，在这幽静的小树林里，爱人我等待着你……
幸福时有人分享，幸福会成倍增长——痛苦其实也是一样。因为在你痛苦的同时，还要惦记着对方也在痛苦。也明白这其实只是一个心态问题。可是话又说回来，什么不是一个心态问题？心态调整好了，死都可以不怕。
在女人对于感情准确敏锐的直觉面前，男人所有的掩饰都将苍白无力，都将徒劳。除非，他是一个表演天才；再除非，她是一个真正的智者，能够做到大智若愚
工作使人年轻，事业使人年轻，成就使人年轻。
一个成功的男人背后一定有个女人，监视着这个男人面前出现的女人。所谓过敏，就是当你发七年之痒时，你老婆神经上出的一种疹子
那女孩儿太难看了。平淡的五官局促在脸的上部，几乎没有额头，下巴因而就格外的长，占到整个脸的三分之一，属整容都整无可整的那种。长成这样的女孩儿根本就不该打扮，就该朴朴素素尽量低调，尽量不要引人注目，打扮的结果只能是突出强调、让人注意到她的弱点、她的丑陋——因为失望和受到了欺骗，使林小枫禁不住刻薄。
知道吗？我在想你，每天只想你一次，每次都是从早到晚。
婚前婚后双方对对方的不同认识，是由于婚前双方比较注意对缺点的掩饰，结了婚后，认为进入了婚姻的保险箱，就放松了对自己的要求。女的放任自己做蓬头垢面的黄脸婆，男的……
"小枫，我已是快四十岁的人了！" "三十如狼四十如虎！" "那是指你们女人！" "男女都一样！" "你懂不懂？不懂就不要装懂！去，买本书去，学习学习，这种书哪个书店里都有。……在这里我可以先给你上一课，你听着：在这种事上，男人和女人是不一样的，男人的旺盛期在十八岁——十、八、岁！我已经两个十八岁都多了！"
一般来讲，让一个男人跟人说自己在床上的骁勇，是容易的，不让说倒不容易，实事求是都不容易，有"一"他往往得说成是"十"。反过来，对于自己的无能，就会缄默；缄默的结果是在心里头加倍嘀咕，越嘀咕越难受，越难受越嘀咕，最后就成了一种恶性循环，成了一种自我折磨。
在性的问题上，造物主将"主动"的责任——抑或说，将人类繁衍的重任——交给了男性。主动光有欲望不行，还要有——权且说是——技术。女性既是被动一方，只需被动接受即可，这就难怪那些女孩儿不苦恼不焦虑了，还好意思沉着个脸指责他们下流，根本就是没有责任心嘛，站着说话不腰痛，不当家不知柴米贵，混淆是非颠倒黑白拿着愚昧当光荣。
宽恕是一种只要主观上想，就能够达到的境界，而现在这事，已然超出了主观能够驾驭的范围。
男女间的背叛大致可分为三种：身体的背叛，心的背叛，身心的背叛。通常人们在意的是第一种和第三种，对第二种基本上忽略不计，这真是一种悲哀，婚姻的悲哀，男女关系的悲哀，人类的悲哀。
这就造成了这样的一种局面：年龄相当的男人不具备迎娶她们的实力，具备了这实力的男人通常已步入中年，妻子孩子，该有的全有。 这种情况下，她们若不肯降格以求，就只有等待，等待那些事业成功的优秀男人离婚，或老婆自然消亡。她们不肯降格以求，选择了等，直等到今日。
审美疲劳，进一步说就是，熟悉的地方没风景……
没有哪个女人愿意跟一个窝窝囊囊的丈夫过一辈子，没有哪个女人心里不希望着夫贵妻荣。但是，当夫贵而妻不能荣的时候，我相信，大多数女人会宁肯选择还去做她的贫贱夫妻。
从前，没有汽车没有那么多钱，但是她有自己。现在她已然没有了自己。没有了自己就没有了生活的主动权，她的喜怒哀乐全需仰仗对方给予。这种感觉是如此地令人窒息。
都不甘心，都想重修旧好都想勉力维持。这次争吵过后，林小枫先表现出了高姿态，打破僵局主动跟宋建平说话，宋建平立刻热烈响应。一度，家中又恢复了同进同出、男耕女织、举案齐眉、相敬如宾的大好局面。两个人你进一尺，我退一丈，遇到雷区绕着走，小心共同维护着来之不易的安定团结。但是，覆盖在血痂下的伤口仍是伤口，稍遇外力，稍有触碰，就会崩裂会血花四溅。
男人比女人更怕孤独
为了娟子。为了能配上她的爱，从心到身的开始约束自己。他相信精诚所至金石为开，相信只要工夫深铁棒磨成针，相信世上无难事只怕有心人--他错了。他真正应当相信的是，破镜不能重圆。相爱却无法相聚，想在一起却必须分离。
纯情同时还意味着幼稚，偏执。
该管的时候管，该放的地方放，什么时候管什么时候放却没有一个可供世人选择的现成标准。婚姻实在是一门艺术。所以我想，既然不能改变你之外的事情，你就掌握调整好自己。在意自己，是婚姻艺术最重要的元素之一。最后，我跟你说一句话，那就是，请你在意你自己。你自己比什么都重要。
什么都有它的发展规律，网恋也是。简单说，三步曲：网上聊天，电话聊天，见面聊天。” “然后呢？” “——网恋结束。” “为什么？” “什么为什么！见了面，相互感觉不错的话，就会接着谈，但就不会在网上谈了，这个时候虚拟世界已然不能满足他们身心的需要。如果相互看不上，那在网上也没法谈了，想像中的美好已被现实的丑陋破坏殆尽，还谈什么谈？
好男人不必去网上寻找知音，在网上寻寻觅觅的没有好男人
人到中年，男的蒸蒸日上，女的每况愈下。再加上生物学方面的原因，通俗地说，就是民间里常说的那个，中年男人一枝花啊，中年女人豆腐渣啊什么的，使女方绝不会轻易放弃婚姻。因为这时候的她们已经一无所有，只剩下了婚姻，因此，她们会拼尽全力不惜代价来保卫她们仅存的这点利益
一个漂亮女孩儿就是男人的一部永动马达
这女孩儿啊，可以聪明，但绝不可以透彻。那女孩儿，太透彻了，面对着她，你会觉得像面对着一架X光机。刚开始交往，还会有一点和聪明人打交道时的乐趣，时间长了，索然无味，不仅是索然无味。……打个比方，她也会撒娇，像所有的女孩儿那样；但是，慢慢地，你就会察觉到她的撒娇不是出于本能，而是出于智慧。她的智慧告诉她，这时需要撒娇了——你想想！这女孩儿啊，还是娟子那样的好，胸无城府，天真混沌，又不失聪明伶俐……
离婚不是分手，一方又结婚了才是真正的分手。
我同意离婚，虽然我仍然爱他。……从前，我以为爱就是拥有，就是占有，现在我懂得了，不是，远远不是。
爱同时还是宽容宽厚是通达，总之，爱，是需要能力的！因为我不具备这个能力，所以我失败了，所以我爱的人才会这样不顾一切地要离我远去。
爱是需要能力的。那能力就是，让你爱的人爱你。
中国式离婚启示
中国式离婚启示
http://www.trends.com.cn 2004-11-09 12:47 来源： 《时尚健康》2004年11月号
文/李子勋 鸣谢/纯真年代文化传播有限公司
从心理角度看《中国式离婚》，我们看到的是一个截然相反的婚姻真相：貌似无辜和让人同情的宋建平才是始作俑者，而所谓歇斯底里的林小枫又是如何被他一步一步逼至疯狂……
《中国式离婚》，一个妖魔化女子对主流男性世界的颠覆
《中国式离婚》给我的第一印象，觉得这是完全男性视觉下的产物，用直白的话来说，就是非常糟蹋女人的东西。一个大学毕业的人民教师，沦落成为一个泼妇式的市井人物，阴深的目光，蓬乱的头发，在许多段落，林小枫出其不意的现身，跟踪，窃听，无理取闹，自杀，毁损器物，欺辱邻居，假造证据，无所不用其极。所以当我得知编剧王海是女性时，我困惑了，这部作品表达的是对男性的愤怒还是对女性本身的不满？
大多数女性观众看林小枫一无是处，看宋建平处处同情，让我猜想编剧与导演在现代拜金主义盛行下，对女性群体的集体悲哀与怜悯。王海被公认为婚姻的第一写手，编出这样的婚姻故事内心一定有三个前提：女人是靠婚姻来生存的；女人是婚姻中天生的弱者；女性只有不断完美自身才会有婚姻的幸福。
换一种角度，我们也可以把该剧看成是女性主义的呐喊，一种对男性社会压抑的愤怒，一种弱者对强者的挑战。你不是道貌岸然吗？你不是想主宰一切吗？我宁可玉碎也决不瓦全。创造一个妖魔化的女子来表达女人对主流男性世界的颠覆，让男性集体无意识中产生对女性的惊恐，如果是这样，那么该剧算是成功的。
而从心理学的角度来看《中国式离婚》，看到的其实更多是对现代婚姻的启示。
启示1：彼此误解是婚姻生活的常态。误解可以消除，两人的人格冲突却无药可治，林小枫遇上宋建平，他们的婚姻注定狼烟四起。宋建平与林小枫反目成仇不完全是误解所致，因为宋的确对林没有了激情。一个误解产生坏的结果，一定同时存在对误解的误解，正确理解误解本身便化解了误解。真正的误解是对误解的误解。
从性格分析看，林小枫是一个缺乏自我边界的女性，她喜欢把爱的人纳入自我，成为自己的一个部分。内心没有边界的人要么是胆怯依赖，要么是自我膨胀，很难用适中的方式来与人交往，对人热情与冷淡完全以当时的心情而定。林小枫对宋建平清高保守的生活态度不满，对家庭的经济现状不满，然后又对宋建平对她缺少关爱不满，看起来林总是有夫妻诉求的那一方。林小枫是需要夫妻时刻分享内心才有亲密感，需要知道一切才有安全感的女子。
而宋建平却是一个自我比较完整，不喜欢暴露内心，也不主动与人交流的人。他有很好的自我感，把内心世界与客观现实分得很清，他可以幻想，或对别的女人动情，行为上却异常的保守与节制。这样的两个人走在一起，婚姻很难有平静的时候，要不是女人越来越歇斯底里，要不就是男人日渐苦闷压抑。婚姻中正常的交流如果不能达成，交流就会朝向极端方式发展，逼迫喜欢缄默的一方不得不应战，这时的婚姻必定狼烟四起。
启示2：宋式男人对女人有高度杀伤力，他用掩藏在压抑、委屈中的儒雅和对妻子无原则的忍让来“吸引”身边的女人们看看宋建平身边的好女子肖莉、娟子，因为同情而被他吸引，最终卷入婚姻冲突，遭受林小枫不白的欺辱。宋建平一直用那种掩藏在压抑、委屈中的儒雅，以及对林小枫无原则的忍让来“吸引”身边的女人们。只要内心荡漾着母性光辉的女子，无不想去拯救这个受难的好男人。女人总不愿看着心仪的男子受苦，为此她们宁可放弃原则。
我的太太看电视剧时，也非常同情宋建平，觉得一切都是林小枫的“人格病态”造成的婚姻不幸。我对她说：“一个好端端的女子嫁给这个男人，慢慢地就变成了一个低自尊、无职业身份、自我糟蹋、甚至有偏执狂的女子，你能说那个男人是无辜的！”陈道明在完成这个角色时，不管有意无意，他把宋建平人格中的两面性演绎得淋漓尽致，在外人面前，他体贴关怀，替人着想，让女人想不喜欢他都不行！在婚姻里面却独来独往，用隐忍去拒绝，用退缩表冷漠，用防御来进攻。
其实，宋建平愿意保持对女性的一种暧昧，而不愿有实质性的婚外情并不是他有婚姻道德，而是害怕纠缠，害怕承担责任，一次越界也是醉酒的原因，这是他的性格使然。就是通常说的有贼心没贼胆的人，女子爱上这样的人只能是自寻烦恼。
启示3：婚姻缺少的是交流不是信任，在一个交流缺乏、关爱缺乏，没有分享、没有共情的婚姻里，总得有一个人来制造事端缺乏交流是宋建平的错，缺乏信任是林小枫的错，哪种错更重要呢？想一想在一个交流缺乏、关爱缺乏，没有分享、没有共情的婚姻里，总得有一个人来制造事端，逼迫双方不得不交流，不得不分享，当然分享的可能是痛苦。
分享痛苦也要比完全没有分享要好一些，至少看起来还像婚姻。每每当当出事，他们的冲突就会消停一阵，因为关爱当当让林小枫知道丈夫在想什么做什么，内心的焦虑自然松解开来。
我是心理治疗师，每天接触到许多真实的婚姻。深入每个个案，你都会发现夫妻那些看似非理性行为的后面存在诸多合理性。每个人干出违背常理的事情之前都有自我逻辑，以致于明明知道是错的却非干不可。心理医生已经习惯了不去关注当事人想什么，做什么，或怎么做，而关注行为的结果。如果妻子疯狂，男人就老实，那么歇斯底里发作可能是平衡关系最有效的武器。如果我们不涉及道德或社会价值观，林小枫所做的一切都是在挽救自己的婚姻，但结果是糟糕的。客观地说，无效的行为重复一千遍还是无效，婚姻需要变通。我个人不赞同林小枫对肖丽与娟子恶意中伤甚至大打出手，这样贬低了这个角色。夫妻间的“战争”，只要双方愿意怎么玩都可以，但没有权利波及第三人。
启示4：让妻子歇斯底里是男人的一种计谋，很多情况下，他拒绝与妻子交流，甚至故意引发妻子猜忌与敏感
他们骨子里渴望妻子做出一些出格的事来，成为他逃避婚姻责任的理由。很多男人喜欢在人前扮演婚姻的受害者，既得到别人的同情还能逃避破坏婚姻的罪责。尤其是想离婚又好面子的男人，做一些没头没脑的事，说一些模棱两可的话，甚至故意与别的女子打一些情感擦边球，让妻子心生嫉妒，甚至撒泼打闹，胡搅蛮缠。事过之后才知道一切乃无中生有，慢慢地那个女人的自信与尊严就被自己的行为腐蚀掉了，糊里糊涂地成就了那个男人的企图。
当你发现男人有什么蛛丝马迹，不要那么激动，看看是不是男人故意下的饵。电视剧强调缺少爱与信任，婚姻就没有续存的理由！但爱与信任都是一种内心感觉，很难界定感觉的真伪——我不爱了，但我会说是我得不到对方的信任才不爱了。林小枫对婚姻的疯狂正是基于一种对婚姻的信任，她觉得只要把对方抓牢，婚姻就可以维持下去。对宋的愤怒、怨恨恰恰是爱的一种转化，把爱的力量转换成一种你不得不接受的东西，因为爱是可以被拒绝的，愤怒你却无处可逃。
启示5：缺乏婚姻信任的常常是男人。在婚姻里，当一方成为一个盾牌的时候，另一方就不得不成为一个利矛
很多男人像宋建平一样，在婚姻中需要更大的自我空间，自我边界非常强，妻子想进入他的内心也非常的难。这种心理状态可以理解为自尊，也可以理解为防御。心理防御像一种面具，具像化一个人，让他为了面具而失去人格本身具有的多样性、柔韧性与弹性。为什么不愿意坦诚，是因为男性更缺乏安全感，更缺乏对女性的信任。
婚姻里，当一方成为一个盾牌的时候，另一方就不得不成为一个利矛，不然就无法引起互动，婚姻也不再成其为婚姻。婚姻有个潜规律，因结婚变得完美的女人是婚姻的获益者，原因是她嫁了一个可以促使她人格完成的人，这个男人必定人格比她成熟。如果婚姻让一个女人变坏，女人便是婚姻的受害者，那个男人一定有促使别人堕落的人格力量。
电视剧中宋建平表现出的模棱两可，犹豫不决，互动中的表情矜持，不愿做决定等，都会让一个热心投入婚姻生活的女性情感受挫。男人表面上忍让，实质是拒绝，让女人难以适从，陷入深深的无助与失落中。像林小枫，与那样缺乏坦诚、缺少阳光、过于自我的男子在一块想不疯狂都不行！
-fin-
中国式离婚
王海鸰新作：中国式离婚
送你一句宋氏名言林小枫：初恋不可忘却的不是初恋的对象，是青春初始时的悸动，是对纯洁青春的怀念。所以，聪明的人们说，永远不要跟你的初恋对象见面，否则，他的苍老平庸，会把曾经有过的美丽彻底葬送。
在女人的身上，漂亮和美丽是有区别的。漂亮更多的是与生俱来，是天赋是遗传，美丽却还需要有后天的因素，比如，言谈举止的从容优雅
男人追求事业成功，女人追求事业成功的男人，谁也不能免俗
家庭妇女就是这样在婚姻里炼成的
女人对男人的崇拜，是爱的基础。而今崇拜已不复存在
对一个男人来说，最窝囊的事，是什么？……那就是，让老婆瞧不起。
要是女人说一个男人是好人的时候，那就有问题了。在女人的辞典里，好男人的同义词就是，没有出息的男人……
钱。万恶之源钱为首，贫穷夫妻百事哀
永远不用牛仔裤配皮鞋，不用西裤配旅游鞋；再如，不留女人式长发，指甲要干净；还有，要抢着付账，要认为男人买单是天经地义，哪怕是假装；最后一条，礼物不在多频繁，在于出其不意，不在多贵重，在于里面的小字条。
美丽是女人在男人那里的通行证。所有男人。正派的和不正派的。
人再要强，也抵不过现实情况的严峻。
所有男人，只要他是男人，就不会对美丽的异性视而不见无动于衷。
所谓"钱再多也不算多"，其实说的就是这种现象：钱多了就想提高生活质量，而人们对于生活质量的期待，永远会走在经济实力的前面——如不是这样也就没有了奋斗的动力。
由于不知对方会是谁，也由于期盼，声音不由得有一些拿捏，娇柔如同少女。但是即刻，神态大变，语气也随之大变，音调一下子低了不止八度，恢复了中年妇女本色。
对男士，他会亲热地给上一拳，说一声："怎么搞的，头发都掉光了？该补肾了！"对女士，则握着对方的手凝神看着她的脸，说一句："一点都没有变！不，变了，越变越年轻了！"
我的歌声穿过深夜，向你轻轻飞去，在这幽静的小树林里，爱人我等待着你……
幸福时有人分享，幸福会成倍增长——痛苦其实也是一样。因为在你痛苦的同时，还要惦记着对方也在痛苦。也明白这其实只是一个心态问题。可是话又说回来，什么不是一个心态问题？心态调整好了，死都可以不怕。
在女人对于感情准确敏锐的直觉面前，男人所有的掩饰都将苍白无力，都将徒劳。除非，他是一个表演天才；再除非，她是一个真正的智者，能够做到大智若愚
工作使人年轻，事业使人年轻，成就使人年轻。
一个成功的男人背后一定有个女人，监视着这个男人面前出现的女人。所谓过敏，就是当你发七年之痒时，你老婆神经上出的一种疹子
那女孩儿太难看了。平淡的五官局促在脸的上部，几乎没有额头，下巴因而就格外的长，占到整个脸的三分之一，属整容都整无可整的那种。长成这样的女孩儿根本就不该打扮，就该朴朴素素尽量低调，尽量不要引人注目，打扮的结果只能是突出强调、让人注意到她的弱点、她的丑陋——因为失望和受到了欺骗，使林小枫禁不住刻薄。
知道吗？我在想你，每天只想你一次，每次都是从早到晚。
婚前婚后双方对对方的不同认识，是由于婚前双方比较注意对缺点的掩饰，结了婚后，认为进入了婚姻的保险箱，就放松了对自己的要求。女的放任自己做蓬头垢面的黄脸婆，男的……
"小枫，我已是快四十岁的人了！" "三十如狼四十如虎！" "那是指你们女人！" "男女都一样！" "你懂不懂？不懂就不要装懂！去，买本书去，学习学习，这种书哪个书店里都有。……在这里我可以先给你上一课，你听着：在这种事上，男人和女人是不一样的，男人的旺盛期在十八岁——十、八、岁！我已经两个十八岁都多了！"
一般来讲，让一个男人跟人说自己在床上的骁勇，是容易的，不让说倒不容易，实事求是都不容易，有"一"他往往得说成是"十"。反过来，对于自己的无能，就会缄默；缄默的结果是在心里头加倍嘀咕，越嘀咕越难受，越难受越嘀咕，最后就成了一种恶性循环，成了一种自我折磨。
在性的问题上，造物主将"主动"的责任——抑或说，将人类繁衍的重任——交给了男性。主动光有欲望不行，还要有——权且说是——技术。女性既是被动一方，只需被动接受即可，这就难怪那些女孩儿不苦恼不焦虑了，还好意思沉着个脸指责他们下流，根本就是没有责任心嘛，站着说话不腰痛，不当家不知柴米贵，混淆是非颠倒黑白拿着愚昧当光荣。
宽恕是一种只要主观上想，就能够达到的境界，而现在这事，已然超出了主观能够驾驭的范围。
男女间的背叛大致可分为三种：身体的背叛，心的背叛，身心的背叛。通常人们在意的是第一种和第三种，对第二种基本上忽略不计，这真是一种悲哀，婚姻的悲哀，男女关系的悲哀，人类的悲哀。
这就造成了这样的一种局面：年龄相当的男人不具备迎娶她们的实力，具备了这实力的男人通常已步入中年，妻子孩子，该有的全有。 这种情况下，她们若不肯降格以求，就只有等待，等待那些事业成功的优秀男人离婚，或老婆自然消亡。她们不肯降格以求，选择了等，直等到今日。
审美疲劳，进一步说就是，熟悉的地方没风景……
没有哪个女人愿意跟一个窝窝囊囊的丈夫过一辈子，没有哪个女人心里不希望着夫贵妻荣。但是，当夫贵而妻不能荣的时候，我相信，大多数女人会宁肯选择还去做她的贫贱夫妻。
从前，没有汽车没有那么多钱，但是她有自己。现在她已然没有了自己。没有了自己就没有了生活的主动权，她的喜怒哀乐全需仰仗对方给予。这种感觉是如此地令人窒息。
都不甘心，都想重修旧好都想勉力维持。这次争吵过后，林小枫先表现出了高姿态，打破僵局主动跟宋建平说话，宋建平立刻热烈响应。一度，家中又恢复了同进同出、男耕女织、举案齐眉、相敬如宾的大好局面。两个人你进一尺，我退一丈，遇到雷区绕着走，小心共同维护着来之不易的安定团结。但是，覆盖在血痂下的伤口仍是伤口，稍遇外力，稍有触碰，就会崩裂会血花四溅。
男人比女人更怕孤独
为了娟子。为了能配上她的爱，从心到身的开始约束自己。他相信精诚所至金石为开，相信只要工夫深铁棒磨成针，相信世上无难事只怕有心人--他错了。他真正应当相信的是，破镜不能重圆。相爱却无法相聚，想在一起却必须分离。
纯情同时还意味着幼稚，偏执。
该管的时候管，该放的地方放，什么时候管什么时候放却没有一个可供世人选择的现成标准。婚姻实在是一门艺术。所以我想，既然不能改变你之外的事情，你就掌握调整好自己。在意自己，是婚姻艺术最重要的元素之一。最后，我跟你说一句话，那就是，请你在意你自己。你自己比什么都重要。
什么都有它的发展规律，网恋也是。简单说，三步曲：网上聊天，电话聊天，见面聊天。” “然后呢？” “——网恋结束。” “为什么？” “什么为什么！见了面，相互感觉不错的话，就会接着谈，但就不会在网上谈了，这个时候虚拟世界已然不能满足他们身心的需要。如果相互看不上，那在网上也没法谈了，想像中的美好已被现实的丑陋破坏殆尽，还谈什么谈？
好男人不必去网上寻找知音，在网上寻寻觅觅的没有好男人
人到中年，男的蒸蒸日上，女的每况愈下。再加上生物学方面的原因，通俗地说，就是民间里常说的那个，中年男人一枝花啊，中年女人豆腐渣啊什么的，使女方绝不会轻易放弃婚姻。因为这时候的她们已经一无所有，只剩下了婚姻，因此，她们会拼尽全力不惜代价来保卫她们仅存的这点利益
一个漂亮女孩儿就是男人的一部永动马达
这女孩儿啊，可以聪明，但绝不可以透彻。那女孩儿，太透彻了，面对着她，你会觉得像面对着一架X光机。刚开始交往，还会有一点和聪明人打交道时的乐趣，时间长了，索然无味，不仅是索然无味。……打个比方，她也会撒娇，像所有的女孩儿那样；但是，慢慢地，你就会察觉到她的撒娇不是出于本能，而是出于智慧。她的智慧告诉她，这时需要撒娇了——你想想！这女孩儿啊，还是娟子那样的好，胸无城府，天真混沌，又不失聪明伶俐……
离婚不是分手，一方又结婚了才是真正的分手。
我同意离婚，虽然我仍然爱他。……从前，我以为爱就是拥有，就是占有，现在我懂得了，不是，远远不是。
爱同时还是宽容宽厚是通达，总之，爱，是需要能力的！因为我不具备这个能力，所以我失败了，所以我爱的人才会这样不顾一切地要离我远去。
爱是需要能力的。那能力就是，让你爱的人爱你。
中国式离婚启示
中国式离婚启示
http://www.trends.com.cn 2004-11-09 12:47 来源： 《时尚健康》2004年11月号
文/李子勋 鸣谢/纯真年代文化传播有限公司
从心理角度看《中国式离婚》，我们看到的是一个截然相反的婚姻真相：貌似无辜和让人同情的宋建平才是始作俑者，而所谓歇斯底里的林小枫又是如何被他一步一步逼至疯狂……
《中国式离婚》，一个妖魔化女子对主流男性世界的颠覆
《中国式离婚》给我的第一印象，觉得这是完全男性视觉下的产物，用直白的话来说，就是非常糟蹋女人的东西。一个大学毕业的人民教师，沦落成为一个泼妇式的市井人物，阴深的目光，蓬乱的头发，在许多段落，林小枫出其不意的现身，跟踪，窃听，无理取闹，自杀，毁损器物，欺辱邻居，假造证据，无所不用其极。所以当我得知编剧王海是女性时，我困惑了，这部作品表达的是对男性的愤怒还是对女性本身的不满？
大多数女性观众看林小枫一无是处，看宋建平处处同情，让我猜想编剧与导演在现代拜金主义盛行下，对女性群体的集体悲哀与怜悯。王海被公认为婚姻的第一写手，编出这样的婚姻故事内心一定有三个前提：女人是靠婚姻来生存的；女人是婚姻中天生的弱者；女性只有不断完美自身才会有婚姻的幸福。
换一种角度，我们也可以把该剧看成是女性主义的呐喊，一种对男性社会压抑的愤怒，一种弱者对强者的挑战。你不是道貌岸然吗？你不是想主宰一切吗？我宁可玉碎也决不瓦全。创造一个妖魔化的女子来表达女人对主流男性世界的颠覆，让男性集体无意识中产生对女性的惊恐，如果是这样，那么该剧算是成功的。
而从心理学的角度来看《中国式离婚》，看到的其实更多是对现代婚姻的启示。
启示1：彼此误解是婚姻生活的常态。误解可以消除，两人的人格冲突却无药可治，林小枫遇上宋建平，他们的婚姻注定狼烟四起。宋建平与林小枫反目成仇不完全是误解所致，因为宋的确对林没有了激情。一个误解产生坏的结果，一定同时存在对误解的误解，正确理解误解本身便化解了误解。真正的误解是对误解的误解。
从性格分析看，林小枫是一个缺乏自我边界的女性，她喜欢把爱的人纳入自我，成为自己的一个部分。内心没有边界的人要么是胆怯依赖，要么是自我膨胀，很难用适中的方式来与人交往，对人热情与冷淡完全以当时的心情而定。林小枫对宋建平清高保守的生活态度不满，对家庭的经济现状不满，然后又对宋建平对她缺少关爱不满，看起来林总是有夫妻诉求的那一方。林小枫是需要夫妻时刻分享内心才有亲密感，需要知道一切才有安全感的女子。
而宋建平却是一个自我比较完整，不喜欢暴露内心，也不主动与人交流的人。他有很好的自我感，把内心世界与客观现实分得很清，他可以幻想，或对别的女人动情，行为上却异常的保守与节制。这样的两个人走在一起，婚姻很难有平静的时候，要不是女人越来越歇斯底里，要不就是男人日渐苦闷压抑。婚姻中正常的交流如果不能达成，交流就会朝向极端方式发展，逼迫喜欢缄默的一方不得不应战，这时的婚姻必定狼烟四起。
启示2：宋式男人对女人有高度杀伤力，他用掩藏在压抑、委屈中的儒雅和对妻子无原则的忍让来“吸引”身边的女人们看看宋建平身边的好女子肖莉、娟子，因为同情而被他吸引，最终卷入婚姻冲突，遭受林小枫不白的欺辱。宋建平一直用那种掩藏在压抑、委屈中的儒雅，以及对林小枫无原则的忍让来“吸引”身边的女人们。只要内心荡漾着母性光辉的女子，无不想去拯救这个受难的好男人。女人总不愿看着心仪的男子受苦，为此她们宁可放弃原则。
我的太太看电视剧时，也非常同情宋建平，觉得一切都是林小枫的“人格病态”造成的婚姻不幸。我对她说：“一个好端端的女子嫁给这个男人，慢慢地就变成了一个低自尊、无职业身份、自我糟蹋、甚至有偏执狂的女子，你能说那个男人是无辜的！”陈道明在完成这个角色时，不管有意无意，他把宋建平人格中的两面性演绎得淋漓尽致，在外人面前，他体贴关怀，替人着想，让女人想不喜欢他都不行！在婚姻里面却独来独往，用隐忍去拒绝，用退缩表冷漠，用防御来进攻。
其实，宋建平愿意保持对女性的一种暧昧，而不愿有实质性的婚外情并不是他有婚姻道德，而是害怕纠缠，害怕承担责任，一次越界也是醉酒的原因，这是他的性格使然。就是通常说的有贼心没贼胆的人，女子爱上这样的人只能是自寻烦恼。
启示3：婚姻缺少的是交流不是信任，在一个交流缺乏、关爱缺乏，没有分享、没有共情的婚姻里，总得有一个人来制造事端缺乏交流是宋建平的错，缺乏信任是林小枫的错，哪种错更重要呢？想一想在一个交流缺乏、关爱缺乏，没有分享、没有共情的婚姻里，总得有一个人来制造事端，逼迫双方不得不交流，不得不分享，当然分享的可能是痛苦。
分享痛苦也要比完全没有分享要好一些，至少看起来还像婚姻。每每当当出事，他们的冲突就会消停一阵，因为关爱当当让林小枫知道丈夫在想什么做什么，内心的焦虑自然松解开来。
我是心理治疗师，每天接触到许多真实的婚姻。深入每个个案，你都会发现夫妻那些看似非理性行为的后面存在诸多合理性。每个人干出违背常理的事情之前都有自我逻辑，以致于明明知道是错的却非干不可。心理医生已经习惯了不去关注当事人想什么，做什么，或怎么做，而关注行为的结果。如果妻子疯狂，男人就老实，那么歇斯底里发作可能是平衡关系最有效的武器。如果我们不涉及道德或社会价值观，林小枫所做的一切都是在挽救自己的婚姻，但结果是糟糕的。客观地说，无效的行为重复一千遍还是无效，婚姻需要变通。我个人不赞同林小枫对肖丽与娟子恶意中伤甚至大打出手，这样贬低了这个角色。夫妻间的“战争”，只要双方愿意怎么玩都可以，但没有权利波及第三人。
启示4：让妻子歇斯底里是男人的一种计谋，很多情况下，他拒绝与妻子交流，甚至故意引发妻子猜忌与敏感
他们骨子里渴望妻子做出一些出格的事来，成为他逃避婚姻责任的理由。很多男人喜欢在人前扮演婚姻的受害者，既得到别人的同情还能逃避破坏婚姻的罪责。尤其是想离婚又好面子的男人，做一些没头没脑的事，说一些模棱两可的话，甚至故意与别的女子打一些情感擦边球，让妻子心生嫉妒，甚至撒泼打闹，胡搅蛮缠。事过之后才知道一切乃无中生有，慢慢地那个女人的自信与尊严就被自己的行为腐蚀掉了，糊里糊涂地成就了那个男人的企图。
当你发现男人有什么蛛丝马迹，不要那么激动，看看是不是男人故意下的饵。电视剧强调缺少爱与信任，婚姻就没有续存的理由！但爱与信任都是一种内心感觉，很难界定感觉的真伪——我不爱了，但我会说是我得不到对方的信任才不爱了。林小枫对婚姻的疯狂正是基于一种对婚姻的信任，她觉得只要把对方抓牢，婚姻就可以维持下去。对宋的愤怒、怨恨恰恰是爱的一种转化，把爱的力量转换成一种你不得不接受的东西，因为爱是可以被拒绝的，愤怒你却无处可逃。
启示5：缺乏婚姻信任的常常是男人。在婚姻里，当一方成为一个盾牌的时候，另一方就不得不成为一个利矛
很多男人像宋建平一样，在婚姻中需要更大的自我空间，自我边界非常强，妻子想进入他的内心也非常的难。这种心理状态可以理解为自尊，也可以理解为防御。心理防御像一种面具，具像化一个人，让他为了面具而失去人格本身具有的多样性、柔韧性与弹性。为什么不愿意坦诚，是因为男性更缺乏安全感，更缺乏对女性的信任。
婚姻里，当一方成为一个盾牌的时候，另一方就不得不成为一个利矛，不然就无法引起互动，婚姻也不再成其为婚姻。婚姻有个潜规律，因结婚变得完美的女人是婚姻的获益者，原因是她嫁了一个可以促使她人格完成的人，这个男人必定人格比她成熟。如果婚姻让一个女人变坏，女人便是婚姻的受害者，那个男人一定有促使别人堕落的人格力量。
电视剧中宋建平表现出的模棱两可，犹豫不决，互动中的表情矜持，不愿做决定等，都会让一个热心投入婚姻生活的女性情感受挫。男人表面上忍让，实质是拒绝，让女人难以适从，陷入深深的无助与失落中。像林小枫，与那样缺乏坦诚、缺少阳光、过于自我的男子在一块想不疯狂都不行！
-fin-
Monday, March 16, 2009
Infidelity
[[婚姻家庭]目睹老婆背叛，我悄然离开]_[情感天地]_天涯社区
[[婚姻家庭]妻子出轨，婚姻继续]_[情感天地]_天涯社区
一段畸形的爱，我该何去何从
楼主啊，不带这么JIAN的吧，你也好意思说出口，你信不信，你老公每天也会遇见很多女人，他就没有心动的时候？为什么人家不动你动了呢？好好检讨下自己的心理，别整天弄的自己跟个情娃是的，这种人遭人BS
『情感天地』 [谈情解爱]面对已婚成功男人的暧昧你会怎样做？
你的暧昧引发了他的暧昧,所以才会对你有非分之想.
既然他身上透出的气质让你晕眩(有钱人的光芒),所以你所说的想做普通朋友只是自我安慰罢了.
事业不是一般强的男人,如果不是遇到各方面不是一般强的女人,只是想用另一个方式玩玩而已,因为他们感觉付费的有失身份.
现在的社会,你们净可以用一切的方式交往......只要你愿意承受任何可能的后果!
『情感天地』我该不该原谅出轨的女朋友
作者：烧掉出墙的红杏 回复日期：2008-8-6 15:36:09
分析一下
1、你发现他们的时候，是在你们家的新床上，这就说明，他们在一起ML不是第一次了，因为通常第一次发生关系时，他们都不会有这么大的胆子在你们新家里面ML的，肯定是多次以后，胆子越来越大了，想寻求点刺激，所以才会在你的新家里面的
2、她说他从来没有给过她高潮，太假了，ML不至一次了，如果前几次没有高潮，那么之后就味同嚼腊了，怎么还会在一起？
3、说句不好听的话，你女朋友就是骚B一个，谁摊上她都要倒霉（一夜情，情人者除外）
4、分了吧，不要有所奢望，早分早解脱！
『谈情解爱』老婆出轨，我该怎么办
作者：活期 回复日期：2008-3-29 13:21:20
楼主,不要去考虑人家是什么想的,关键是你要想到你自己幸福就行了,只有你自己幸福了,你才有实力帮助身边的亲人和孩子.
如果你从你前妻的角度考虑人生,从孩子的将来考虑生活,你会因此而消沉的,因为这个世界上,从来都不缺少思想上考虑这么多的男人,而是缺少从行动上进行奋斗的男人.
想的多的男人,心态就不稳定,失去的更多.
做的多的男人,更加有自信,得到的就多.
现在呢,好好地找一个女人去恋爱吧.
『情感天地』洗桑拿洗出来的感想！
犯罪心理学告诉我：任何罪犯在行事之前，都会为自己冠以种种理由和借口。同样地，任何人在犯错误之前，都会有种种的理由和借口说服自己。罪犯之所以一直犯罪，人之所以一直犯错，是因为缺乏反省和思考的能力，并为自己的行为披上“七彩的光环”，以掩盖其本质。于是，在家贫的理由之下，小姐成了小姐。在生理需要不能满足的理由之下，妻子红杏出墙。在“真爱”的旗炽下，有人成了被人嫌弃的FC，甚至是二手，三手。。。。N手的女人，有人成了人人责骂的小三。可怜之人必有可恨之处，无疑是对这类人最最形像的慨括。
..........
...
...
...
-fin-
[[婚姻家庭]妻子出轨，婚姻继续]_[情感天地]_天涯社区
一段畸形的爱，我该何去何从
楼主啊，不带这么JIAN的吧，你也好意思说出口，你信不信，你老公每天也会遇见很多女人，他就没有心动的时候？为什么人家不动你动了呢？好好检讨下自己的心理，别整天弄的自己跟个情娃是的，这种人遭人BS
『情感天地』 [谈情解爱]面对已婚成功男人的暧昧你会怎样做？
你的暧昧引发了他的暧昧,所以才会对你有非分之想.
既然他身上透出的气质让你晕眩(有钱人的光芒),所以你所说的想做普通朋友只是自我安慰罢了.
事业不是一般强的男人,如果不是遇到各方面不是一般强的女人,只是想用另一个方式玩玩而已,因为他们感觉付费的有失身份.
现在的社会,你们净可以用一切的方式交往......只要你愿意承受任何可能的后果!
『情感天地』我该不该原谅出轨的女朋友
作者：烧掉出墙的红杏 回复日期：2008-8-6 15:36:09
分析一下
1、你发现他们的时候，是在你们家的新床上，这就说明，他们在一起ML不是第一次了，因为通常第一次发生关系时，他们都不会有这么大的胆子在你们新家里面ML的，肯定是多次以后，胆子越来越大了，想寻求点刺激，所以才会在你的新家里面的
2、她说他从来没有给过她高潮，太假了，ML不至一次了，如果前几次没有高潮，那么之后就味同嚼腊了，怎么还会在一起？
3、说句不好听的话，你女朋友就是骚B一个，谁摊上她都要倒霉（一夜情，情人者除外）
4、分了吧，不要有所奢望，早分早解脱！
『谈情解爱』老婆出轨，我该怎么办
作者：活期 回复日期：2008-3-29 13:21:20
楼主,不要去考虑人家是什么想的,关键是你要想到你自己幸福就行了,只有你自己幸福了,你才有实力帮助身边的亲人和孩子.
如果你从你前妻的角度考虑人生,从孩子的将来考虑生活,你会因此而消沉的,因为这个世界上,从来都不缺少思想上考虑这么多的男人,而是缺少从行动上进行奋斗的男人.
想的多的男人,心态就不稳定,失去的更多.
做的多的男人,更加有自信,得到的就多.
现在呢,好好地找一个女人去恋爱吧.
『情感天地』洗桑拿洗出来的感想！
犯罪心理学告诉我：任何罪犯在行事之前，都会为自己冠以种种理由和借口。同样地，任何人在犯错误之前，都会有种种的理由和借口说服自己。罪犯之所以一直犯罪，人之所以一直犯错，是因为缺乏反省和思考的能力，并为自己的行为披上“七彩的光环”，以掩盖其本质。于是，在家贫的理由之下，小姐成了小姐。在生理需要不能满足的理由之下，妻子红杏出墙。在“真爱”的旗炽下，有人成了被人嫌弃的FC，甚至是二手，三手。。。。N手的女人，有人成了人人责骂的小三。可怜之人必有可恨之处，无疑是对这类人最最形像的慨括。
..........
...
...
...
-fin-
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