Can Men and Women Be Just Friends?

当萨利遇见哈里——男人和女人能只做朋友么？

简介
男人和女人可以只做朋友吗？当然可以。
Linda Sapadin博士告诉我们只要我们用心经营照样可以收获异性的友谊。为我们拥有红颜知己高兴。

差不多二十年前，好莱坞出了部诙谐的浪漫喜剧《当萨利遇见哈里》片中探讨的问题至今仍争论不休：男人和女人能做朋友么？

有些人说“没门！”异性恋的男人和女人之间不能有真正的友谊。这都是荷尔蒙惹的祸！他们把这归结于配偶的妒忌。并把矛头指向了男人们占有掠夺这一天性，他们“只想着一件事”。或者简单地说，男人和女人来自不同的星球，而这种跨星际的友谊肯定行不通。

我们不去理睬那些怀疑主义者们的观点，到底研究有什么发现、专家们又是怎么说的呢？因为我是这方面的专家之一（这是我的论文题目之一），我想和你分享一些我的研究发现。

我们把萨利和哈里的故事放到一边，男人和女人可以成为朋友，而不需让他们的关系染上性爱的色彩。在简奥斯汀的时代，男人和女人生活在各自的世界里，他们对于彼此的吸引只能发生在浪漫/性这方面。而在如今的社会，男人和女人生活在一起、一起工作、一起娱乐。

他们是同学、同事、委员会的会员、桥牌搭档、网球拍档……等等。这种文化的变迁创造了一种新的社会形态，在这里面，人们可以将友谊和性关系划分清楚。

有没有一些友谊转化成浪漫史呢？答案是肯定的。而且，幸亏有了它，友谊可是很多幸福婚姻的开端。但是在跨性别的友谊中，如果双方对于友谊的本质抱着不同的看法，或者这段由于对于一段严肃关系构成威胁，那么就会出现麻烦。

当你的生活中出现这样的挑战，你该怎么做？你是要因为太难处理、困惑、让自己很累而放弃友谊？你会去避免麻烦么？还是你会去处理这个挑战？

我对这件事情的观点是：面对他。下面说说你该怎么做：

界定关系

所有的友谊，即使同性间的友谊，都可能有一些模糊不清、经常变化的界限。你认为Joan是个很好的朋友，而你却发现对他来说，你不过是“一起打网球 ”的，这对你可能是个打击。还有可能，你曾经觉得一段友谊“很贴心”，却变得越来越无所谓。在跨性别的友谊里，这个模糊的界限更加复杂。因此，花些时间来确定这段关系——你不但要自己作出判断，还要和对方一起讨论一下这件事。

处理吸引

有时候两个人中的一方或双方对对方产生了一些“兴趣”。你是该终结这份友谊，还是学会处理它？到底有没有所谓的这些东西：无害的挑逗？纯洁的性玩笑？不想付诸行动的性吸引？我们总是希望一段关系黑白分明。有些人相信，纯洁的跨性别友谊只能在两个恋家的、没有性引力的人之间才会发生——比如呆子和尼姑（还要是个老派的尼姑）之间。别愚弄自己了。你可以被朋友吸引，而不去将这种吸引当做彼此关系的主旋律。为什么？简单的说，你不仅是你的荷尔蒙而已。

处理对方的感觉

其他人，尤其是配偶或者是情侣，可能会因为你们的关系倍感威胁。不要轻视他们的感觉。换作是你，也可能有这样的感觉。

将你的友谊以某种形式融入稳固的（婚姻或恋爱）关系中，这是你的责任。试着让你的伴侣融进你的朋友圈，可以是所有人时不时聚在一起，或者是不要把你们的友谊当成秘密，而与生活的其他部分隔绝。

除了要尊重你的配偶，你可能还需要换一下见朋友的地点和时间。午餐可能远比晚餐合适——如果你晚上离开，你的伴侣可能要一个人独自在家，感觉好像被抛弃了。不论你做什么，不要把它当成秘密行动。辜负配偶的信任是一件很严重的事情。

如果你曾经和这个“朋友”交往过，你的配偶可能永远也不会释怀。你可能不会希望被逼在老情人和现在的伴侣之间进行选择。

这就是你要成长的地方。为了你的婚姻，你可能需要放弃这段友谊。有时候，我们不能真正地做回“普通朋友”。作为成年人，有的时候鱼和熊掌不能兼得。



Can Men and Women Be Just Friends?
by Linda Sapadin, Ph.D.

It's been decades since the witty romantic comedy "When Harry Met Sally" explored the still debatable question: "Can women and men be friends?"

Some people say "No way!" Heterosexual men and women can't be true friends. Blame the hormones! Attribute it to spousal jealousy. Point the finger at the predatory nature of men (and aggressive women) who "want only one thing". Or simply remember that men and women come from different planets, and interplanetary friendships have never worked.

Despite the naysayers, what does the research show and what do the experts say? Since I am one of the experts (this was my dissertation topic), I'd like to share my findings with you.

Despite the stories of Harry & Sally, men and women can be friends without the relationship transitioning into a sexual one. In Jane Austin's time, when men and women lived in separate worlds, their primary attraction to each other was romantic and/or sexual. In today's world, however, men and women live, work and play together.

They are fellow students, colleagues, committee members, bridge partners, tennis buddies and more. This cultural shift has created a new norm in which it's not unusual for people to keep their sexual involvement and friendships separate.

Do some friendships turn into romantic relationships? Yes. And thank goodness for that; it's been the beginning of many a great marriage. A cross-sex friendship, however, becomes difficult when friends are not on the same page with the nature of their friendship or when the friendship becomes threatening to a committed relationship.

So, when you've got a challenge in life, what do you do? Do you give up, saying this is just too difficult, confusing, or baffling for me? Do you avoid the problem? Or do you deal with the challenge?

My take on the matter is - deal with it. Here's how to do just that:

Defining the Relationship

All friendships, even same-sex ones, can have ambiguous and changing boundaries. It can be a shock to you when you view Joan as a very good friend and her behavior indicates to you that she views you as no more than a "tennis buddy". Or, a friendship that you once considered "near and dear", has changed into something much more casual. With cross-sex friendships, the ambiguous boundaries can be even more tumultuous. So, take the time to define the relationship - both in your head and in a discussion with the other person.

Dealing with the Attraction

Let's say one or both of you do feel some physical attraction to the other. Does that doom the friendship or can you learn to live with it? Is there such a thing as harmless flirtation? Innocent sexual bantering? Sexual attraction without the desire to act on it? We too often look for purity in relationships. Some people believe that the only workable cross-sex friendship might be between two homely, asexual people - a nerd and a nun (and an old-fashioned nun at that). Stop fooling yourself. You can be attracted to your friend and choose not to make that attraction the nature of your relationship. Why? The short answer: you are more than your hormones.

Dealing with Others' Feelings

Other people, particularly spouses/committed partners, may feel threatened by your relationship. Do not discount their feelings. If the shoe were on the other foot, you would probably feel the same way.

It is your responsibility to work to integrate the friendship in some manner into your committed relationship. Try including your spouse in on the friendship, either by all of you getting together at times or by not keeping the relationship secret or apart from the rest of your life.

Out of respect for your spouse, you may need to change where and when you see your friend. Lunch may be far preferable to dinner - if you are leaving your spouse feeling home alone and abandoned. Whatever you do, don't make it a secret. Betraying your spouse's trust is a serious matter.

If you've once had a romantic relationship with this "friend" - your spouse may never go for it. You may not want to be forced to choose between an old lover and your spouse.

This is where you have to grow up. For the sake of your marriage, you may have to let go of this friendship. Sometimes, there really is no going back to "just friends." As adults, we sometimes don't get to have it all.

About the Author:
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and coach in private practice who specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. For more information about her work, contact her at http://www.psychwisdom.com/
Originally published 12/17/08




-fin-