loneliness

loneliness

　　我根本就没想过这件事会对我的将来有什么影响，我是个很会调节自己生活的人也有一点骄傲，所以对萍水相逢的交往向来没有兴趣。我的多个病人曾邀我喝茶、吃饭，都被我婉拒。从某种意义上说，在这个陌生的城市，孤苦无依的我是缺少安全感的，我在这里的朋友也不多，除了朋友及同事的聚会，我很少到热闹的地方，比如唱歌、吃饭，我会闲吵。

　　 后来他说，这件事让他对我有了信任，觉得我人品好。我人品一直都不错，但也不是好的没有原则。
　　又过了不知道多久，在我迷迷糊糊即将进入梦想的一个午夜，他突然又打电话来，我不记得他说过什么，只是好奇，他也不怕他老婆知道。这样的情况发生过几次，我是个心软的人，加上从小受的是淑女教育，贸然的提出挂电话怕伤别人的自尊心，所以，虽然困的要死，也都坚持听他说。记得他每次打电话说得都很久似的。

　　后来，他要我的QQ号码，我就给他了，我一个人，经常会上网，要不，没有情人，闲暇时真的不知道怎么打发时间，发现，恋爱就是没事的时候的一个事，忙起来，哪顾得上恋爱。偶尔，我们会在网上相遇，文字真的是奇妙的东西，在不知不觉中，会让你说出你心中的秘密，也许陌生人会让我们觉得更安全吧。开始的时候我们聊的还一本正经的，聊聊各自的工作呀学习呀什么的。后来聊的深入了，聊到了各自的感情。我把曾经发在网上写给我老公的文字发给他看，他说他很感动，我说那是，很多人都感动得哭了，但我就是没感动到我老公，他连看都没看，是我发给他强迫他看的。

　　我跟我老公还是时不时的争吵，然后再和好。有时候我觉得错可能在我，我还是害怕寂寞的，我一个人住，常常失眠，不是什么欲望难耐，而是害怕，一点轻微的响动便可把我从梦中惊醒。我甚至养成了毛病，明明反锁了门，躺在床上后又总觉得没反锁，一定要在下床确认一次，我觉得我都偏执了。我老公说，他在的时候，我睡的象猪一样，外面声音怎么大，我都不醒，听这句话的时候，我有流泪的冲动。

　　 这样的生活持续到7月，我的心境突然发生了微妙的变化，发现他很久没有跟我联系，我的心竟然有了牵挂，以为他病了。我其实是鄙视我这样心态的变化的，我总自认为骄傲

　　 8月的时候我搬家，天热，很多事情要自己跑，我疲惫的要死。期间与我老公发生过一次激烈的争吵，吵到要离婚，但是我们离婚比较麻烦，不是直接拿身份证就行的。最后商量的结果是“事实离婚”，各过各的，其实本来也是各过各的。一年以后若实在走不到一起，就分手。我跟我妈妈把新房打扫整理的还不错，期间我累哭过，我哭，我妈看着我哭，我妈气愤的说：离婚，重新找一个，只要在你身边就行。我现在回想起当时的情景，泪水都止不住，我总究不过是个弱女子。
　　 这时候的他放假回家看他的女儿，我们这时候已经很熟了，有时候还开点玩笑，短信发的极其频繁。感觉就是两个孤单的人相互安慰。我有一次动情的对他说：不知道为什么，突然觉得在这个城市里没有以前那么孤单了。
　　这个8月是我们的多事之秋。我们都是成年人，都懂得自制，也都不再轻易的付出，都是传统的人，顶多也只是在短信在网上玩玩文字游戏，都不敢见面，也打定主意不见面。有一天很晚了，我正在学习，突然收到他的短信，只有短短的三个字“我爱你”。看到这短信，我不是惊喜，而是愤怒，我在虚幻的对未来的不确定的憧憬中度过了这许多年，对甜言蜜语有一种发自理性的讨厌，我不相信爱情，不相信承诺。我迅速的回了：你喝多了，不要胡言乱语。

...
http://www.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/feeling/1/681641.shtml



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I had a dream about you 梦

last night




Why Did I Dream Of You Last Night?
Philip Larkin

Why did I dream of you last night?
Now morning is pushing back hair with grey light
Memories strike home, like slaps in the face;
Raised on elbow, I stare at the pale fog
beyond the window.

So many things I had thought forgotten
Return to my mind with stranger pain:
- Like letters that arrive addressed to someone
Who left the house so many years ago.





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The Unknown Puzzle

The Unknown Puzzle

April 27, 2009, 10:53 am
The Unknown Puzzle
By John Tierney

This week’s puzzle comes from my Science Times colleague Ben Carey, who tells me that you really don’t have to be smarter than a fifth-grader to solve it. I don’t take much consolation from his assurance, given that the puzzle utterly stumped me, but I respect Ben’s authority on the subject of fifth-graders and puzzles. He’s the author of “The Unknowns,” a novel for young adults, in which the pre-teen inhabitants of a trailer park have to solve a series of math puzzles in order to navigate a tunnel network and save their community from catastrophe.

My son, who’s in fourth grade, loved the novel and managed to pick the correct answer to this puzzle, but he confessed that he was guided by intuition and wasn’t able to give a logical explanation for his choice. (Maybe he’d have gotten it in fifth grade.) To be eligible for the solvers’ prize — a copy of “The “Unknowns” — you have to give a reason for the answer you choose below:

Amulet Books
Consider the four shapes in the top row followed by a blank space in the fifth position. Which of the possibilities in the bottom row — the shapes labeled A, B, C, and D — would most logically belong in that fifth position?

As usual, you can post your answer as a comment here, and submit another puzzle either as a comment or by emailing tierneylab@nytimes.com. (Please email me a solution to the puzzle and indicate whether or not it’s original.) I’ll award the prize to someone who comes up with an especially interesting answer or to someone who proposes a sufficiently intriguing puzzle for Lab readers to solve. The Lab judges may look kindly on answers given in verse, perhaps ones that delve into the theme of things unknown. Although we expect it will be difficult for anyone to supersede the philosophical musings on this subject by Donald Rumsfeld when he was secretary of defense:

. . . there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”

There is actually some logic to what he said — and to those shapes in this week’s puzzle. Hope you have better luck than I did.

And if you haven’t yet tried last Monday’s Russell Crowe Hotel Puzzle, today’s the last chance to try for the prize. Tomorrow we’ll announce the prize and discuss ways to find Mr. Crowe a room at the Hotel Infinity.




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How to Tell a Boy to Stop Touching You

怎么拒绝男孩吃你豆腐
怎么拒绝男孩吃你豆腐

ansen @ yeeyan.com

简介

身体接触在男女交往中是一种很令人愉快的体验，无论是接吻，牵手还是臂腕相连。但是总有一些急性子的男孩子在想方设法千方百计地想早点体验到这种快乐，不幸的是，女孩子们在这种情行下往往由于害羞而做不出有效的回绝，而让男孩子们得逞。为避免这种不幸或者说是不快的事情发生，本文将介绍几种让男孩子 “住手”的方法。

怎么拒绝男孩吃你豆腐

身体接触在男女交往中是一种很令人愉快的体验，无论是接吻，牵手还是臂腕相连。但是总有一些急性子的男孩子在想方设法千方百计地想早点体验到这种快乐，不幸的是，女孩子们在这种情行下往往由于害羞而做不出有效的回绝，而让男孩子们得逞。为避免这种不幸或者说是不快的事情发生，下面将介绍几种能让男孩子 “住手”的方法。


1--礼貌地拒绝。 告诉他，他对你的身体“ 侵犯”让你觉得很不舒服，并且希望他能停止这样做；需要切记的是当你告诉他时，一定要言辞坚定，态度严肃，否则，他会认为你只是在装可爱，那可就糟糕了。告诉他，或许以后当你们的关系更加亲密时他可以这么做，但是现在还不可以；告诉他，拒绝他不是因为他或者他的举止行为，而是因为你今天不在状态。

2--故意制造尴尬。 如果你的警告没能让他停手，那么就在他拥抱你或者亲吻你时尽可能地制造尴尬。你可以在他行动之前突然变得结结巴巴，过一会之后，推开他，告诉他：“对不起，我现在没有一点感觉了，以后再做吧。”这样可以让他觉得尴尬并且不得不“手下留情”。

3--胡乱编造理由，当你不想见他的时候。如果他想让你喝酒，你就告诉他：我很忙。如果他想带你去一些娱乐场所，你就告诉他：我还有没完成的家庭作业。总之不停地编造理由，直到他问你：你是不是生我气了？这时候要抓住机会告诉他他的身体侵犯让你感觉不适，或者告诉他你们的关系还没有到达可以进行“身体接触”的地步。或者告诉他你们根本就没有任何的“关系”。以期这样能让他“住手”。

4--告诉家长。 如果你的男朋友没有听从你的警告，那就告诉你的父母，让他们出面可能会更有效果。如果你的年纪已经足够被称为“成人”了，那么就只能靠你自己了。义正言辞地告诉他：请住手！别再碰我！过几周之后，看他是否还是脾性不改！

5--离开他。 不尊重你意愿的男孩同样也不值得你的珍惜。你不必为他多费口舌，弃他而去是一个最直截了当解决办法。这都是他一个人的错，他本有机会停手的，但他没有，你不应该一个从不听你意见的人在一起。如果你在这件事上纠缠不清，你们未来的关系也会问题重重。

【小贴士】
1. 不要害怕告诉别人。
2. 如果你们因此而分手，也不要觉得对不住他，因为是他没有听从你的意见。

【特别注意事项】
1. 如果你还未满十四周岁，当你遭到使你不适的身体侵犯时应该立即告诉自己的父母。因为这个年龄以下的你是受到法律保护而不可以受到这样的身体侵犯的。



How to Tell a Boy to Stop Touching You
How to Tell a Boy to Stop Touching You

Touching in a relationship is supposed to be enjoyable; kissing, holding hands, and having your arms over each other is all supposed to be a fun experience. However, there are many boys out there who progress to this part in the relationship too quickly, and the girl is too shy to say anything. Here's how to get that boy to stop touching you.


Steps

1. Kindly tell him to stop. Tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable when he touches you, and that you'd like him to please stop. Make sure you stay firm when doing this, or else he will think it's okay, and that you were just being cute with it. Explain to him that you think you can do it later in the relationship, but right now, you're just not ready. Tell him that it's not because of him or how he acts, but it's just you, and your preferences.
2. Make the situation awkward. If he won't stop touching you, make hugging and kissing as awkward as possible. Stutter right before you kiss or hug, and after a few moments, just back away and say, "Sorry, but I just can't really feel anything now. Talk to you later,". This will make him feel awkward while touching you, and he will hopefully stop.
3. Make up reasons why you can't meet him. If he offers some drinks, tell him you're busy. If he wants to go to the amusement park, tell him you have homework. Continue making up excuses until he asks you if you're mad at him. Then tell him once again that you feel awkward when he touches you, and that it's either a no-touch relationship, or no relationship at all. Hopefully this will get the point across, and he will finally stop.
4. Tell an adult. If your boyfriend won't listen to you, maybe an adult can convince him otherwise. If you're old enough that you're the same age from most adults, then you're on your own. Tell him firmly that you don't want him touching you anymore. Wait for a few weeks, and see if he still touches you.
5. Leave him. Any guy who doesn't respect your wishes doesn't deserve you. You don't even need to say anything, just completely leave him out in the cold. It's his own fault, he had several chances to stop, and you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't listen to you. If you deal with it now, you will most likely have problems in the relationship later.

Tips

• Don't be afraid to tell someone.
• Don't think you're being mean to him if you do choose to break up with him, because he was being mean to you by not listening.

Warnings

• If you're under fourteen, tell an adult immediately if someone touches you in a way where you don't feel comfortable. At that age, you shouldn't be getting touched like that.

Related wikiHows

• How to Break up With a Possessive Boyfriend
• How to Accept Your Boyfriend's Friends
• How to Tell Your Best Friend Her Boyfriend Is Breaking up With Her to Go out With You

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Flirting with men

《不是美人也可以用美人计》作者：罗西

撒娇是女孩的天职

撒娇是女孩的天职

http://book.sina.com.cn 2006年10月30日00:00 新浪读书

恋爱是神圣的事，是认真的活，但同时，它也是一种娱乐、游戏，否则就会像陪罗马教皇散步，非常枯燥干巴！为了你的恋爱更生动多姿有血有肉，请拿起女孩特有的软兵器：撒娇，这是一种考验女孩恋爱情商的能力，其实也是一种生活艺术。

1、易笑。不动声色的女孩，非常沉重，对男主角而言是心头石，会压得他喘不过气来，没有成就感。所以，爱笑，对一个恋爱中的女孩而言非常重要，如果，男主角是风，你就应该是沙——变化给他看，而最好的变化就是反应，最好的反应就是笑。

2、耍小心眼。这是把双刃剑，不用会显得你不投入，没心没肺，缺乏“临战气氛”；用得过多，则也容易让人烦，像林黛玉似的，麻烦不断，咳血不止！怎么办呢？最保险的做法是，生气之后，及时化阴为睛，最好像春天的天气，像没有断奶的小孩，为一寸的忧愁而忧愁，也为一厘的快乐而快乐。

3、给他起外号。要有创意，好玩，然后唤他。

4、捏他、捶他、拧他、撕他、咬他、用手指头点他。这些女性化动作，不妨有选择地用。

5、不讲理。吵架一定要赢，然后往败将嘴里塞一个棒棒糖，以示慰问。

6、赖在他怀里。比如在电影院里、在郊外小路上、在空旷广场边……这是一种很温暖的接近，也是温柔的信任。

7、记得说“讨厌”。这是一个奇怪的词，情场中的男人，爱听，因为它代表一种亲昵，并略表暧昧，不是每个男人都有资格接听。对女主角而言，说这个词时，会特别解馋、痛快，还有一丝美妙的“嗔”味，如果再拖点尾音，就更荡气回肠。

8、多用一些婴儿语言，比如叠词。男人喜欢看到自己心爱的女人在他的“作用”下发生匪夷所思的变化，比如变嫩、变痴、变傻。

9、贪玩。这时的你，是不设防的，非常可爱，男人喜欢看到这种天真。

10、吃零食。女孩的嘴唇舌头容易寂寞，特别在恋爱的时候，所以常常侧着头欣赏零食，是恋爱中女孩最幸福的镜头之一。

11、追逐跑。比如先用抱枕扔他，然后逃开，他会去追你的，你一定要惊慌失措却又乐在其中，嘻嘻哈哈，适当尖叫，男人会热血沸腾的，总之，最后要有老鹰捉小鸡的现场效果，这是双方都要的一种游戏结果。

12、怕痛。大惊小怪，好像经不起任何风吹雨打，哪怕你刚刚参加一个商务会议并且与谈判对手唇枪舌剑战了十个回合最后赢了回来，在他身边时，也要显得柔弱无助，剥一只九节虾都显得力不从心！

13、思凡。满脑子小女子思想，忘了职场或考场的竞争，这回只想凡俗粉红琐事，比如接吻比如画眉比如穿丝袜……思想左右行动脑袋指挥手脚，有了这份小女子的心，你就会不自觉地全身软绵绵起来，像是被人抽了筋骨，一门心思只等他来呵护……

14、装傻：比如明知故问：“为什么腿比手长？”杨玉莹之所以“甜”，除了声音及酒窝外，还有一招就是问一些很笨的问题：“太阳有多高？星星有几颗？”

15、港台腔：抱抱我嘛。我就要嘛！亲爱的……（长音）你好好的。我好冷……音色、声调修饰到位，可敌一对丰乳，更胜一个翘臀。上帝为什么赋予人两个耳朵，目的是用来多听的。风情不仅仅可视，更是可听。“枕边风”之所以那么有说服力，就在于“声”的迷惑水平高，连“声色犬马”这个成语，“声”字也是排在首位。明白了这些，你就不会奇怪为什么莫文蔚不怎么好看，却那么迷人了。多用祈使句。不过，一个问句可以经常使用：“好不好嘛？”

16、摇身。特别是说“不要”或生气时配合这一身体语言，男人最会拿你没办法，乖乖就范。

17、双手吊着他脖子请求。

18、做恼羞成怒状。

19、枕着他手臂或大腿入睡。

20、哭吧。梨花带雨，楚楚可怜。

总之，撒娇是种种变花样的享受，付出是金，享受则是女孩恋爱的“硬道理”，而真理千金难买。



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Infidelity 2

Infidelity 2


『情感天地』 [婚姻家庭]妻子出轨,昨天晚上这种事情竟然真的发生在我身上!
谁叫你有钱呢,当然舍不得离婚的.但是,有钱可以娶其它年轻女人的,你说对不对.现场捉到的事情,你都碰上了,所以,只能认倒霉的,不要对她的话进行分析了,因为事实真相你当面碰上了,要看女人的行为,而不是听她的辩解.杀人的都说自己是被逼的.如果你这种情况下,你会被她看不起的,而且她会淫者见淫,认为你这次出差也在外面玩女人的,难怪你这样沉得住气的.

『情感天地』 [婚姻家庭]我该选择离婚吗？现在头绪很乱，请大家分析一下
说实话我承认我心理阴暗 我是不信那个女同事的话的 一男一女互不讨厌，身体条件相差不大（例如男性过矮 女性容貌不好看）又密切联系的话没一点暧昧是不可能的

『情感天地』 [婚姻家庭]老婆好像在外面有人了，是还是不是，离还是不离？
说实在的,你只是她合适的结婚对象,所以,一旦你不给她钱,她当然不会跟以前一样"爱"你的.出轨女人要求不离婚,只是一种正常的本能反应,是对将来做二婚女人的一种恐惧,大多数只能越嫁越差的.不要觉得老婆一再地求你不离婚,就是爱你的表现,这完全是两回事,这只能说明,你根本没有冤枉她.如果她是被冤枉的,她会自杀吗?按照正常心理,没有偷情的话,老婆会愤怒地主动分居或同意离婚,以显示她的委屈,以正视听.由于你和她都是同事,她要出去玩男人, 唯一的借口就是到外面购衣,总不能说是单位加班的.你老婆的所有言行,你是亲身经历者,仔细想想吧,我们绝对不会冤枉你老婆的,出轨是肯定的.如果真的是冤枉她,你老婆在25日晚上劝情夫的女朋友的时候,回来就会主动交代的.
别被她当成傻瓜了,果断一点,不写保证书,立即分居,同时去找情夫的女朋友,拆散情夫和女朋友.

『情感天地』 [婚姻家庭]一个女人痛苦、迷茫的婚外情
初恋成婚应该是人生一大幸事。可是因为是初恋，她没有经历过其它的感情，没有遭受过感情的挫折，不知道其他男人的险恶。她会对其他男人保持一定的好奇心，也容易把一些对她不怀好意的男人的殷勤表现当作对她的关心，并因此而感动。这个时候如果恰好她老公平时不注意感情方面的交流，或者对她的关心不够，她就会产生错觉，陷入其他男人的感情陷阱背叛老公成为他人的玩物。在平时的相处中，她和老公之间的沟通可能也会缺乏一些圆滑，宽容的技巧，对老公的要求也许会比较高，因为她没有比较过。

...而且可以这样认为，情夫的老婆怀孕的时候，情夫早就在外面找妓女了，恭喜情夫了...

我觉得楼主说痛苦啊、迷茫啊，心底深处其实还是有点沾沾自喜的吧。两个男人为了你而痛苦得死去活来，你是不是觉得这样代表自己很有魅力？




...
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Loneliness – The Beginning of Romance

孤独—爱情的开始

孤独—爱情的开始

张昭瑞 @ yeeyan.com

简介

有人说孤独是可耻的，但实际上我们的本质就是孤独。



当我们深深陷入寂寞时，什么能够抚慰我们——什么能够让我们远离寂寞？到底是什么？常常我们觉得没有什么能够安慰我们，想要摆脱寂寞就像要摆脱影子一样不可能。在某种程度上确实如此，我们没办法逃离寂寞，我们总是出于寂寞之中。但实际上还是有一个办法的。

我们为摆脱寂寞所做的一切从根本上说是存在缺陷的，因为我们不理解我们正在逃离的东西的本质。其实寂寞也有她美丽的一面。当你看到并承认这一点，，学着以寂寞为乐时，你内心的某些东西便会开始慢慢发生变化。当寂寞变成孤独感，你就自由了，就可以开始真正的爱情了！



破碎后找寻整体性

正如奥绍所说：第一件事就是要对孤独形成认知。孤独是我们的真正性质，我们永远无法不孤单。我们孤单的来到这个世界，也将孤单的离开这个世界。而在这两者之间，我们是孤单的——但是我们疯狂的想要隐藏它、逃离它、假装它并不真的存在。

我记得曾在心理课上对爱情依恋类型测试进行了一次分析，目的是了解对恋爱我们有多少把握（It aimed to discover how secure we are in our relationships）。其中一个问题是：“你是否想过要和爱人完全结合？”对这个问题的反应是屋子里爆发出一阵尴尬、犹豫的笑声。他们似乎在说“多可笑！”不过，我保持沉默。过去的记忆击中了我，我想起在很久之前曾经感受过这样深深的寂寞。活着也许它从来不曾真正离开过我——an alienation so deep that the only way out truly seemed to be melting into another person. 个异化如此之深，唯一的出路似乎是真正融化到另一个人。

在午餐人群中感到格格不入，和女朋友在一起时感觉孤单，对生活总像是局外人。我记得我扫试了一下周围同学的脸，他们脸上的表情就好像他们的感受都一样。

这种疏离感是人活着都要面对的困难——无法放松，无法亲近。它几乎驱使着我们所做的一切。寂寞和隔阂是我们自我内在的、永远不能分离的的一部分。

在非对偶性——许多宗教和哲学的核心——教义中，关于这一点的解释很简单——我们都是无限、无时无刻不在、永恒的One Life中的一部分。我们紧密相连，不可分割。

那么，“自我”就是一种人们普遍存在的错觉，是对“我”和我们所有人孤独根源的夸大。当我们觉得我们是“我”时，也就创造了一个“无我”，一个异类，一切别的东西。我们成了一个片段，与其它存在剥离开来。我们成了这个世界上的一个点，被上帝遗忘掉。

这种分裂的感觉，一些人——或许是那些在演讲大厅里没有笑的人——能够意识到。它是一种深深地、持续不断的不完整感和不满足感。

对其他人，那些在测试中笑出声的人来说，他们意识不到这种感觉。他们缺少某写东西，自己却不知道缺少的是什么。所以他们寻找、努力、奋斗，但却一直搞不清楚他们试图填补的是什么。他们拼命获得更多的财产、的性、地位、权利、赞誉……几乎所有的努力都源于自我完善的驱动。但所有的一切都是徒劳，我们把自己的精力扔进了一个无底洞。我们努力实现的正是造成我们匮乏的原因。

爱情和酒

爱情可能是最常见的掩盖分裂感的办法。如果我们感到孤单，必然会觉得我们需要一个特殊的人！这一充满逻辑的冷漠想法，就像是商业交易。你只是想找个男朋友、女朋友、情人、某个人或者任何人都行！我们只是想要掩饰我们的悲伤——这和滥用酒精、开着电视只为了制造声音、煲电话粥直到身边出现一个人没什么区别——就像我们的时间多的不得了一样。

性是我们在生理上能够最接近一个人的办法，这就是为什么人们这么热衷于此。当我们关注我们的心灵时，分裂感还会出现，还会需要我们去系紧、去粘结、去融化和合并。有多少人意识到了这种匮乏？这种原始的疏离感有多普遍？普遍到足以变为一个标准化的心理测试。

所以我们期待着能有人帮我们赶走这种感觉。当我们和某个人在一起时，我们能够让自己的思绪脱离这种不和谐的背景感觉。我们的存在似乎突然变得有意义了。当你们拥抱、亲吻时，你会惊叹“我不再是一个人了！有人需要我、想要我了！我漂亮，被需要，值得爱！我再也不孤单了！”

但是，他们也仅仅是掩盖而已，永远都是。即使和我们爱的那个人在一起，我们也还是我们自己，也还是孤单。

几周前，我在一个富裕国家的夜总会区看了一部关于“host”亚文化的纪录片。它围绕着一个英俊的年轻男子展开，这个男子穿着俗丽，具有高潮的诱惑手段，付费在一些特殊的酒吧附近闲逛。他们主动接近女性，通常是年轻、漂亮、富有的女性，这些女性会因他们的陪伴、爱抚和甜言蜜语而付费给他们。

电影着重突出了这座城市里最优秀的一个“host”，这是一个迷人的男子，拥有自己的酒吧。他生活在梦中。他与女性交往的能力让其他男人相比之下变得很苍白。他从丈夫和男朋友身边偷走他们的女人。女人们争夺他，有时候用身体，有时候用钱，每天陪他过夜的女人都不同。好像他是这世界上的最不可能有疏离感的男人。

我记得影片接近结尾的时候，有个记者问他这一切是否值得。他摇着头发出一声叹息，“最初几年里所有的一切都很有趣，但过了一段时间……我不知道那是什么感觉。这些都不要紧了。我是这世界上最孤单的人。”

孤独的美丽和寂寞的悲哀

如果爱情和性，如果金钱、名利和赞誉都没办法帮我们解脱，那么我们该怎么办？当你感到阵阵心痛和孤单，完整性和相互依存的教义对你有什么用？除非你能够体会它们提出的一切，否则它们怎么能安慰你？

那些漂亮话充满了你的头脑，但是当你合上书，转身去看你的床时，发现它还是像以前一样的冰冷、寂寞。如果我们能够永远都不在寂寞，那会发生什么？ All I can offer is a change of perspective.我所能提供的改变观点。

引用奥绍的另一句话：孤独是美丽的，崇高的。寂寞是悲伤的，绝望的。

表面看来他们都一样，但实际上它们有天壤之别。

孤独是我们的本性，而寂寞使我们想要逃离的。

你是孤单的。这有什么问题？在孤独和悲伤中放松自己。不要逃离孤独，因为人总是孤独的。为感到孤单庆祝，取悦自己，在孤单中舞蹈。如果你做不到，你就只能永远逃跑。爱你自己。这是唯一的解决办法。

只要坐下来，孤独地。不要去思考，只要去感受。放松自己进入它，然后你会发现你的悲伤自有它的神圣之处。孤独是审视自己的完美的机会。查看你所有的微妙之处，诚实地面对自己，注视所有你不愿意注视的地方。把所有这些都带到你的意识里，接受它们并爱上它们。

为了躲开孤单，我们去城市、去办公室、去夜总会。而教师、大师、禅师，他们去山上以便能够更好的熟悉它。一旦你取悦自己，那时候——也只有那时候——你才能真正的取悦别人。这是自相矛盾的，是这个世界上最重要的事中的一件。只有不再需要情人了，你才能够找到爱情。别的都是骗局，都是苍白的仿制品。

被需要和被爱

一个骗局。这就是爱情的全部。谁和我们的爱情真正相关？我们，只有我们自己。我们说我爱你，但我们真正的意思是爱我吧。一切都是手段（Manipulation is all it is）。

填补我们缺口的手段，所以我们感到被爱被需要。实际上，我们把这两个词闹混了，对我们来说被需要就和在恋爱一样！

一个朋友向我们抱怨说有些事很奇怪。她丈夫已经开始发现孤单的乐趣，他变得爱思考，更满足，更快乐。和她在一起时他很爱她，并且经常笑，但他也很享受自己独处的时间。他开始觉得自己不再缺少什么，不再需要她才觉得完整。

这让她很抓狂。她变得很担心，满脑子猜疑。他为什么如此满足，如此高兴？他在公园单独散步时都做些什么？是不是有了另一个女人？她跟踪他，但没发现任何不对头的事情，他只是在散步而已。他一个人在书房时，她会监视他，但也没发现任何不对头的事情，他只是打坐、阅读、祈祷。没有禁忌之爱，也没有奇怪的迷恋。

她哭着说：“为什么会这样？到底发生了什么？”她在烦恼什么？这是个更好的问题。他不再需要她了，对她来说这就像他在放弃爱情。但他没有——实际上，他第一次爱上了她。

需求如此普遍以至于我们认为她是浪漫爱情的一个迹象。但是需求只是需求，就是这么简单。并且这种需求永远无法满足，因为没有人——不管这个人多甜美、英俊、美丽、温柔、奢华、周到——都不能想你的自我想要的那样爱你。

大多数情况下，某一段时间你会感到满足——当一切似乎都很完美、没事的时候，比如蜜月阶段，或者恋爱阶段。因为有人需要你、爱你，所以你的存在似乎也有了意义。

直到有一天，你的需求和不安全感——所有分裂基本、原始的症状——会重新抬起头来。或许它只是看上去这样，而实际上它们一直存在着，只是我们把它们遗忘了一段时间。争论就此开始，因为我们都认为这是对方的错。

你哭着说：“你应该让我高兴！”甜蜜、微笑、亲吻都开始摆向另一端。我们变得悲伤，我们指责他们没有让我们开心，我们试图操纵他们，让他们给我们更多。也许他们会屈服，然后钟摆会摆回原来的甜蜜。也许他们不屈服，我们就会不可抑制的流泪、发怒。这甚至似乎很正常。

但这不是他们的错。除了我们自己，没人能帮我们赶走原始意义上的分离。但我们不知道这一点，所以我们继续抱怨、继续收线。我们忘了唯一能满足我们的只有自己。

寂寞的人不会爱，他们只能假装，因为他们没有任何东西可以给与别人。他们只能给别人塑料爱情，并希望别人回报给他们真正的爱情。一切都变成了一个巨大的游戏，一次国际象棋比赛。

但是当你不再需要被别人需要时，当你真正停止想要被要时，你的寂寞就变成了孤单，你就可以看到爱了。

献给那些现在或曾经寂寞、疏离的人们。

误解

本文可能是我写过的最容易被误读的文章，所以我想在这里澄清一些普遍的误解：

1. 寂寞Loneliness —这和孤独不同，它们完全是两种东西。我们的物理本质就是孤立。但我们永远都不会是一个人。即使我们做爱，我们的身体仍然是相对独立的。但是这不是什么问题，我们只有在逃避它时才会觉得悲伤。当我们逃避自己的本性是，我们使自己感受到寂寞的痛苦……但是，我们承认并接受我们的本性是，我们会发现孤独的美丽。
2. 孤独是真正爱情的开始。我不是说每个人都在假装爱，我只是说寂寞的人会这样，因为他们需要爱而不能爱。爱是与需要相反的东西。一旦你听只需要，你就能够发现爱了。有很多人他们真的爱着别人，有很多人不求回报，但他们都是发现了孤独的人。
3. 一旦你停止渴求，也就是我所说的寂寞，你就可以真正的融入这个世界，寻找一份稳妥的爱情。否则，它可能是需求、依恋，而不是真正的爱。这就是我想说的，我已经在全文中多次指出，寂寞不能带来真正的爱情。我不是说我们应该永远独自一个人，尽管这样做肯定没什么错。





Loneliness – The Beginning of Romance

Loneliness – The Beginning of Romance


When we are in the depths of our loneliness, what comforts us – what could possibly take us away from it? What, indeed? So often, it feels like there is no solace; like we are running from our own shadow. And it is true, in a way. There is no escape from being alone. We are always alone. But there is a way out of loneliness.

All our efforts at escaping loneliness are fundamentally flawed, for we don’t understand the nature of what we are running from. There is something beautiful about your loneliness. And when you see that, when you acknowledge it, learn to delight in it, that’s when something shifts inside you. When your loneliness becomes aloneness – that is freedom! That is when you can truly begin to Love!



Fragmentation and the search for wholeness

As Osho once said – the first thing is to acknowledge aloneness. Aloneness is our true nature; we can never, ever, not be alone. We come into this world alone, we leave the world alone. And in between these two, we are alone – but we frantically hide from it, run from it, pretend it isn’t true.

I remember analysing an attachment style test in a psychology class once. It aimed to discover how secure we are in our relationships. One of the questions was: “Do you ever feel like you want to completely merge with another?”

The room erupted into an awkward, hesitant burst of laughter at such a question. How absurd! – they seemed to be saying. But I remained silent. An old memory struck me, and I remembered feeling that same depth of loneliness, once, a long time ago. Or perhaps it never truly left me – an alienation so deep that the only way out truly seemed to be melting into another person.

Feeling cut-off in the middle of a lunchtime crowd, feeling alone when cuddling with a girlfriend; always on the outside looking in at life. I remember glancing around at my fellow students. The look on their faces – it seemed like many felt the same way.

This alienation is the universal dilemma of human existence – never at ease, never at home. It drives almost everything we do. Loneliness and separation is an intrinsic, permanent part of our ego.

In the teachings of non-duality, the core of many religions and philosophies, the message is simple – we are all part of the infinite, ever-present, eternal One Life. We are all deeply interconnected and inseparable.

The ego, then, is the universal illusion, the exaggerated feeling of “I”, and the root of all our solitude. For the moment we feel we are “I”, that is the moment we have created the “Not-I”, the other, everything else. We become a fragment, cut off from the rest of existence. We become a dot in this world, forgotten by God.

This sense of fragmentation, for some – perhaps the ones who couldn’t laugh in the lecture hall – is conscious. It shows up as a deep and constant sense of not being whole, of not being enough.

For others, those who laughed at the test, this sense is unconscious. They lack something, but they don’t know what it is. And so they seek, and strive, and struggle, yet all the time not knowing what it is they are trying to fill. More belongings, more sex, more status, more power, more recognition, more, more, more. Almost all their efforts stem from this drive for self-completion. But it is all futile – we are throwing our energies down a bottomless pit. That we are trying to fulfil is the very thing that is causing our lack.

Romance – the new alcohol

Romance is perhaps the most common cover-up for the sense of fragmentation. If we are lonely, it must make sense that we need a special someone! Logical and cold, like a business transaction. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, a lover, someone, anyone! We have reduced them to a mere cover up for our sorrows – no different from the misuse of alcohol, the noise of our television, or killing time on the phone until we can next be with someone – as if we have so much time to kill!

Sex is the closest we can get to oneness on a physical level, and that is why it is so deeply satisfying. And when we peer deeper into our heart, fragmentation shows up as a need to attach, to cling, to melt and to merge. How many people are conscious of this lack? How common is this primordial sense of alienation? Common enough to show up on a standardised psychological test.

And so we look for someone to take away that feeling. When we are with someone, we can take our mind off that background sense of disharmony. Suddenly, our existence seems to have meaning. “I am not alone!” You exclaim, as you cuddle, hug, and kiss. “I have someone who needs me, who wants me! I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am worthy! I am no longer alone!”

And yet, a mere cover-up is all they will ever be. Even when we are with our loved ones, we are still just as we are – alone.

A few weeks ago, I was watching a documentary on the “host” sub-culture, in the nightclub districts of an affluent country. It revolved around handsome young men - dressed up gaudily, highly trained in seduction, paid to lounge around in special bars. They play host to multitudes of women – often young, pretty, and rich – who pay for their company, their caresses, and their idle flattery.

The film focused in particular on the finest host in town – a charming man who owned his own bar. He was living the dream. His prowess with women made other men pale in comparison. He stole women away from their husbands and boyfriends. Women fought over him, sometimes physically, sometimes by throwing money at him, and he goes home with a different one every night. It seemed he would be the last man on Earth to feel alienated.

Near the end of the documentary, I remember the interviewer asking him if it was all worth it. He hangs his head and sighs. “It was all fun for the first few years. But after a while… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore. I am the loneliest man in the world.”

The beauty of aloneness, and the sorrow of loneliness

If romance and sex, if money and fame and recognition offer no relief, what does one do? When you are in the throes of heartache and loneliness, what good are the teachings on oneness and inter-existence? Unless you can experience what they are pointing to – how do they comfort you?

Pretty words to fill your head, and then you close the book and turn to look at your bed, and find it as cold and lonely as it was before. If we can never not be alone, what then? All I can offer is a change of perspective.

Another quote from Osho, then: Aloneness is beautiful, it is grand. Loneliness is sorrowful, it is despair.

On the surface, they look the same. But in reality, they are worlds apart.

Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.

You are alone. Why make it into a problem? Relax into your loneliness; into your sadness. Don’t run from your aloneness, for it is always there. Celebrate being alone, delight in yourself, dance in your aloneness. If you can’t, then you will forever be running away. Love yourself. It is the only way.

Simply sit down, and be lonely. Don’t think about it. Just feel it. Relax into it, and then you’ll find that your sadness has its own sacredness. Being alone is the perfect chance for you to go deeper into yourself. See all your subtleties, face yourself squarely, and gaze at all the parts you don’t want to. Bring it all up into the light of your awareness, and accept them, love them.

We go off into the city, into the office, into the nightclubs, to run from our aloneness. The teachers, the gurus, the Zen masters – they go off into the mountains so they can get better acquainted with it.

So what? Then what? Once you delight in yourself, then – and only then – can you truly delight in the other. It’s a paradox, one of the biggest ones in the world. Only when you no longer need a lover; that is when you can find romance. Anything else is a sham, a pale imitation.

To be needed and to be loved

A sham. That’s what the entire game of romance is. Who is our “romance” really about? Us, and us alone. We say – I love you. But what we really mean is – Please love me. Manipulation is all it is.

Manipulation to fill our gaps, so we can feel loved, to feel needed. In fact, we have come to confuse the two words – being needed, to us, is the same as being in love!

A friend of mine was complaining to me about something very strange. Her husband had begun to discover the joys of aloneness. He had become meditative, more content and quietly joyful. He loved and laughed when he was with her, but he was also beginning to enjoy his solitary time. He was starting to see that there was nothing lacking, that he no longer needed her to feel complete.

And she began going insane. She became worried; her suspicions began overwhelming her. Why is he so content, so happy? What was he doing in his solitary walks in the park? Is there another woman? She followed him, but he did nothing wrong – he just walked. She spied on him when he was alone in the study, but he did nothing wrong there either – he was meditating, reading, praying. No forbidden love, no strange fetish.

“Why?” she wailed. “What is going on?” Why was she upset? That would be a better question. He no longer needed her, and to her it felt like he was falling out of love. But he wasn’t – in fact, he was falling in love for the first time.

Neediness is so common that we think it’s a sign of romantic love. But neediness is simply that – neediness. And this need will never be satisfied, for nobody – no matter how sweet, handsome, beautiful, gentle, extravagant, and attentive – can ever love your ego the way it wants to be loved.

At most, you will be satisfied for a period of time – the “honeymoon” phase, when you are “in love”, when everything seems perfect and beautiful. Your existence seems to have meaning, for someone needs you and loves you.

Then one day your needs and insecurities – all symptoms of the basic, primordial sense of fragmentation - raise their heads again. Or maybe it just seems that way – they had always been there, we just forgot about them for a while. And that’s when the arguments start, for we think it is the fault of the other person.

“You were supposed to make me happy!” you cry. And the sweetness, the smiles and the kisses begin to swing the other way. We become sad; we attack them for not making us happy; we manipulate them into giving us more. Maybe they give in, and the pendulum swings back into sweetness. Maybe they don’t, and we break up in tears and anger. This even seems normal.

But it is not their fault. No one can take away our primordial sense of separation except us. But we don’t know that, and so we go on complaining and pulling strings. We forget that the only way to be satisfied is to be satisfied in yourself.

Lonely people cannot Love; they can only pretend to, for they have nothing to give. They only give a plastic love, in the hope that someone will give real Love in return. Everything becomes a giant game; a chess match.

But when you no longer need to be needed, when you truly stop wanting to be wanted, that’s when your loneliness changes into aloneness. And you begin to see Love.

Dedicated to all those who are or have been lonely and alienated.

The misunderstandings

This article is perhaps the most misunderstood article I have ever written; and so I’d like to clear up some common misunderstandings here:

1. Loneliness – it is separate from aloneness; two different things. Our physical nature is to be alone. We can never, not be alone. Even if we are having sex, we are still relatively physically separate. But that is not a problem, it only causes sorrow when we run away from it. When we run from our nature, we cause our own pangs of loneliness… but when we acknowledge and embrace our nature, we find the beauty of aloneness.
2. And from aloneness, that is the beginning of true Romance. I am not saying everybody fakes love – I’m saying lonely people do; for they cannot love if they need. Love is the opposite of need. Once you stop needing, that is when you can find love. There are many who do truly love; there are many who do not expect anything in return – but those are the souls who have found aloneness.
3. Once you have stopped being needy, which is what I have called aloneness, that is when you can truly go out into the world and find a proper romance and relationships. Otherwise, it is likely to be neediness, attachment - and not real love. That is all I am saying, I’ve stated that many times throughout the post - that real Love cannot come from loneliness. I am not saying we should all be alone forever, although there’s definitely nothing wrong with that.





-fin-