Sunday, January 18, 2009

Questions Couples Should Ask Before Marrying

连岳上海壹周【我是鸡汤】

Mumu:

婚姻到底出了什么问题?婚姻又是什么?婚姻为什么这么痛苦?婚姻为什么毁灭人的精神活力与肉体激情?……这些几乎是情感专栏永恒的追问了。我唯一知道的是,婚姻的苦难之果,原因在于婚姻之前准备工作没有做足。一些婚前该问的问题没有追问清楚,除了问清楚是男是女,有没有钱,还有其他重要的疑问需要解决。

刚好,今天在《纽约时报》看到美国的婚姻专家开列出的婚前必问的15个问题,我觉得相当好,技术性地排除了百分之九十以上的婚姻痛苦,我就偷个懒,把它给译出来,它适合父母、情人及一切成年人阅读。

1.我们要不要孩子?如果要,主要由谁负责?
2.我们的赚钱能力及目标是什么?消费观及储蓄观会不会发生冲突?
3.我们的家庭如何维持?由谁来掌握可能出现的风险?
4.我们有没有详尽地交换过双方的疾病史?包括精神上的。
5.我们父母的态度有没有达到我们的预期?会不会给足够的祝福?
6.我们有没有自然、坦诚地说出自己的性需求、性的偏好及恐惧?
7.卧室能放电视机吗?
8.我们真的能倾听对方诉说,并公平对待对方的想法和抱怨吗?
9.我们清晰地了解对方的精神需求及信仰吗?我们讨论过孩子将来的信仰问题吗?
10.我们喜欢并尊重对方的朋友吗?
11.我们能不能看重并尊敬对方的父母?我们有没考虑到父母可能会干涉我们的关系?
12.我的家族最让你心烦的事情是什么?
13.我们永远不会因为婚姻放弃的东西是什么?
14.如果我们中的一人需要离开其家族所在地陪同另一人到外地工作,做得到吗?
15.我们是不是充满信心面对任何挑战使婚姻一直往前走?


我们在婚前问过其中的哪一个问题呢?我想,这其中的大多数都是适合中国国情的,婚姻是件需要仔细追问的事情,它可以好得让我们觉得一辈子像一天那么短,也可以坏得让我们觉得一天像一辈子那么长,碰运气摊上好婚姻的事情,还是不要指望的好。

当然了,中国式的蒙昧反问就会出现了,“问这么多问题?那还结什么婚呀!”许多人在结婚前不是问清楚15个问题,而是会放15个烟雾弹,把自己的真实想法与情况完全伪装起来,等结完婚再慢慢(或突然)暴露,给对方一个震撼——这说明我们真是一个喜欢开玩笑的民族。

如果把婚姻的形式看得高于一切,不结就会死,那么糊涂结婚,清晰受罪就是难逃的命运之诅咒。如果把婚姻当成是得到快乐与消除孤独感的手段,那么就会跳脱中国式婚姻里那种男女送作堆即可的小农思维,会把它当成可科学,双方尽量问清楚,把婚后的幸福保障最大化,到我们习惯这种方式后,不快乐的婚姻才会少一些吧?

祝快乐。


连岳
2006年12月27日


Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
Published: December 17, 2006

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12) What does my family do that annoys you?
13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?




-fin-

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